I don't know what the fuck I've done or why you act like this, but honestly its starting to piss me off. I'm sick of being sad when you get grumpy

Still, I wish I had someone to talk to. About everything.

Diet

I got myself some diet pills.
I put on weight while mum and tiff were here and it makes me feel disgusting. I shouldn't have eaten so much crap. And I barely exercised. I am disappointed in myself for my lack of will power. Hopefully these diet pills will help me not eat so much shit. I am trying very hard to make myself look good and fucked if I won't get where I want to be.

Hmmm

Sometimes I find it very hard to deal with your moods. Especially if I can't just hide and cry somewhere. I know you don't want to, but I do things for you when I really don't want to. At least she's not sleeping on our bedroom floor. I just wish you'd understand.

Something

Something inside me hopes that you never remember this place, because I don't want you to think less of me. In the other hand, I want you to see I am being honest with you. I hope one day you will trust me wholly again. I am so ashamed of what I did.

I'm not losing enough weight. I got asked if I am starving myself the other day. I wish I was. Then I'd be thin enough for you. I want to be your perfect person. I am working hard to get there.

I can't sleep properly. I keep having strange dreams.

I hope

I hope you realise that I have changed my life for you. I have changed everything about me for you. I will continue to change for you. You are all I have and all I want. I will do anything it takes to keep you.

Regrets

I wish I hadn't done that. Maybe then you wouldn't be so unsure. Maybe then you would want to do the things I want from us. I hate myself everyday. Sometimes I get mad and wonder why you can't forgive me like I did you, but I forget how long it took for me to be okay. It's o ly recently that the thought of it hasn't made me physically ill. I need to remind myself that what I did was worse, so you will need more time.
I guess I find it hard because I know I am being good so I don't always get why you don't see that I am trying really hard.
I want you to acknowledge how hard I try.

Oh shi-

I just came to a terrible conclusion.
I
Am
Depressed.

Which of course is nothing new. But I haven't taken my meds in a very long time and I though I had been doing so well! But instead, I'm not even getting out of bed. That is not normal, louie. For fucks sake how do I not realise these things?