When all is lost

I have realised I have a problem.
I want everyone to love me.
Not in a way that you love your favourite musician or actor. In the way you love your husband, your wife. I want everyone to fall in love with me, so I can collect them. Hold them in tiny little jail cells inside of me. They are free to live, but should they love another they will find themselves burned.
This is not fair.
To them.
To you.
To me.
This sets me up for many heart breaks, pains, jealous feelings that are all unjustified.
This leaves them feeling guilty for ever having thought they were free to do and love what and whom they want. Guilt for ever having thought that I let them out of their cell.
This means that you have to deal with insecurities that stem from something and someone else, but that I have projected onto you.

I honestly can't say why I collect love, but I am doing everything I can to stop.
Your love should be enough.

I'm Sorry

I am having trouble reconnecting with you because I had literally just finished mourning you. I'm sorry.

I don't know what the fuck I've done or why you act like this, but honestly its starting to piss me off. I'm sick of being sad when you get grumpy

Still, I wish I had someone to talk to. About everything.

Diet

I got myself some diet pills.
I put on weight while mum and tiff were here and it makes me feel disgusting. I shouldn't have eaten so much crap. And I barely exercised. I am disappointed in myself for my lack of will power. Hopefully these diet pills will help me not eat so much shit. I am trying very hard to make myself look good and fucked if I won't get where I want to be.

Hmmm

Sometimes I find it very hard to deal with your moods. Especially if I can't just hide and cry somewhere. I know you don't want to, but I do things for you when I really don't want to. At least she's not sleeping on our bedroom floor. I just wish you'd understand.

Something

Something inside me hopes that you never remember this place, because I don't want you to think less of me. In the other hand, I want you to see I am being honest with you. I hope one day you will trust me wholly again. I am so ashamed of what I did.

I'm not losing enough weight. I got asked if I am starving myself the other day. I wish I was. Then I'd be thin enough for you. I want to be your perfect person. I am working hard to get there.

I can't sleep properly. I keep having strange dreams.

I hope

I hope you realise that I have changed my life for you. I have changed everything about me for you. I will continue to change for you. You are all I have and all I want. I will do anything it takes to keep you.