How are you?

So how long has it been now?
They did end up putting me on medication.
I guess it's working out alright.
It would probably be better if I actually took them.

Depression = shit.
People too.
But mostly depression.

And anxiety.
Which I apparently suffer from pretty badly.
Did you notice?
I sure didn't.
The doctor did though.
So I had cognitive behavioural therapy.
I don't think it worked.


Heath got me all confused for a while there.
I wasn't sure if he hated me or not.
But apparently he doesn't.
He does hate my meds though.
Which almost made me want to stop taking them all together.
But I can't do that.



I did manage to cut myself again a little while ago.
Pretty awesome, hey?
One day I will learn to live without it.
I was doing so well.
I broke down.
I guess it's better than what I was going to do.
Having a bunch of pills that could easily kill you
In your bag
with no one checking how much you use
is awfully tempting.
But I have been a good girl.
So far.

Jay and I are still in love.
Well, I am still in love.
Sometimes I get scared he's not.
That's just because of dickhead.
I had to speak to him
To find out how to catch the bus.
And he ended up telling me Jay had been talking about cheating on me
The whole time we've been dating.
That he HAD tried to get with Brooke.
And that he had once idolised Jay and didn't understand how someone could do what Jay apparently did.
Hew cried.
I cried.
But I was happy he was crying.
It meant he felt pain.
Which is good.
Even though it's not even close to what he made me feel.
What I felt that first time
When he told me that Jay had said those horrible things
About Canada and Holly.
I fucking died.
Not in my usual melodramatic teenager way.
I mean I couldn't breathe.
I couldn't speak.
I didn't understand what was going on
Or where I was.
I could barely stand.
I don't know if anyone else has ever felt that pain.
But Jason never will.
He will never know what it is like,
but he felt it was his right to teach me.


I am alone right now.
At Vivky's house.
Hi vicky.
Sorry for infecting your house with my horrible bad moods.
I know you understand.




I felt incredibly alone this morning.
And Jay hadn't even left.
I don't know why,
but I felt like if he left this morning,
I would never see him again.
I know it's not true,
but it killed me all the same.







I am supposed to go into Melbourne
to hang with Matt.
But I don't know if I can anymore.
I mean, I want to,
but I am in such a crap mood I am thinking it might be better if I just sit here and cry.
I don't know.
I suppose I should get ready in case I decide to go.





I really think Jay is it.
I can't imagine being without him.
I can't imagine loving someone else.
He must be it.
Everything I ever wanted.
Even though he doesn't realise it.