Nobody knows but you

Hello Dave-y!

So I haven't been blogging much at all and have decided to try and up my blog usage.
I am actually incredibly happy right now. Despite anything that's happened, I am in a great place. Jay and I are living together again, and it's awesome. The best part is that we're alone together. And getting shit done is so much easier now. I don't know why though. Probably just not as many things to distract me.

Having said that, I am awfully distracted now.
I am rocking out today. I truly am.


Life is so fucking good.

So fucking good right now.

Hilarity.

You truly do make me laugh.
More than ever before.


So I am just sitting here writing because I can. Jay and Jason are watching TV. Cycling. So not worth my time.

People these days are making me laugh. They truly are. It's funny how people expect ignorance. The way the imagine that no one realises. That's hilarity.

She built up a world of magic.
Because her real life is tragic.

The thing about everyone these days is that all of us are too damn self involved. We all are very quick to point the finger, but somehow manage to ignore all our own faults.
Actually, some people do this more than others.
They make me laugh too.
The way they all want to get away from drama, and yet half of them create they're own. It's like they're a big ball of walking drama.
And I think I fit into that category.

Why?

Why do you keep deleting your blogs? I want to see them.


So I am incredibly sick right now. I seriously think I am going to explode and pour my sickness all over the wall in a bloody, gory mess, spelling out the words "Louie was here. She was too ill to stop herself from exploding."

I am supposed to be doing fashion, but too much drawing makes Louie go crazy!!

I want to go home. I really really do.

Too fucking sick

Of all this shit.

fuckofffuckofffuckofffuckofffuckofffuckofffuckofffuckoff

I am so fucking sick of everything being my fault. I am sick of you and all your shit. fuck this. fuck you. fuck everything.

Pussy shit.

As I am complete pussy shit I have come here once again to vent my feelings instead of just going up to the fucking people like a a strong person would actually do and talking this shit out. And fuck it, you're the only one who reads my blog anyway and I actually want you to know that this is how I feel.


I feel like you've ditched me. Yes, I know that I was one of the first friends you kinda had at this school, and as you get more comfortable it is inevitable that you will find other people to hang out with and other friends that understand you more, but I still feel like I never ever get to talk to you anymore, and when I do it's entirely superficial. We were such good friends and now I don't know if I get that feeling from you anymore. I was annoyed when you didn't tell me straight away, but you told other people first. About the guy who didn't want a relationship. I realise that you wanted to say it in private, but all you have to do is tell me you want to chat. The only way I get to communicate with you is through our blogs, and you've stopped writing, so it's just a one sided conversation. It shits me up the wall when you don't say hi or goodbye. It seems that the only time you really talk to me is when you want to talk about someone else. I'm no god at saying this, so now it's all built up inside me. I might be making it worse than it is, but it;s how I feel right now. I won't be able to talk about this with you in real life, and that's why I am here, writing directly to you, but on my blog, so that it's less personal and ever so slightly more obscure.
I am pissed that you didn't say good bye today. I am super pissed that I seem to be replaced. I hate that. Don't you realise that I am irreplaceable? I don't hate you, don't get me wrong. I'm not even mad at you, I am just annoyed that this is going on and I can't stop it. I want you back, really. I want you to be mine again. Which is horribly possessive and wrong. Demeaning, even. And I am sorry that I think like that, but it's how I am. I don't want an all or nothing, I just want the majority.
I feel like you don't care as much anymore. I feel like you don't want me around. I feel like I have been replaced and that I will never be able to get back to where I was with you. I don't know when this happened or whose fault it is, but I wish it hadn't. And I realise that I have probably made ti worse by not just talking to you about it.
I'm sick of this happening to me, because I feel like I am just everyone's replacement friend when their best friend isn't around. It's not just you that has done this before.
So that's how I feel, more or less.




But I'm more than just a little curious how your planning to go about making you amends to the dead.

Sight

So I think I put the wrong contact lenses in today, because I can't see shit. It makes my eyes hurt.

Today is GaGa day. This should be amazing.

Dexamphetamines.

So tonight I was hanging at Jason's house burning some stuff they had to get rid of. I had been thinking about doing dexamphetamines for a little while, and tonight was the night that I did!
Dexies are prescription meds for ADHD. If abused, they have similar effects as that of speed. So now it is almost 4 in the morning and I am not even a little bit sleepy.
And, to be honest, I love it. I truly do.
But I don't want to get addicted to this shit or anything. I mean, alcohol is one thing, but it's not illegal and it won't wreck my teeth. Besides, you sleep when you drink.
Speaking of which, i saw Mandy today!! It was awesome. I missed that girl so much, I forgot how much I really like her. She's such an honest and down to Earth girl. Even though she's often quite shy, i think she's pretty comfortable around me. I hope she is anyway, I have been doing a lot of talking so she might just have wanted me to shut up. But she was drunk and talkative to, so who knows. Also found out some stuff about each other, which is good I think. I didn't realise, but I forgot to tell her about my depression and shit. I should probably let her know all the shit I've done so it doesn't, like, get in the way of shit. You know? I don't want her to have some kind of amazing person when I'm not that amazing. Like, I'm pretty fucking good, but not that good. Haha!
But serious, Mandy rocks socks. And she lives in Lanny-field! I have always really liked Mandy, and she's liked me, but we're both awkward about going to people's houses AND having people over, so it makes it kinda hard to hang out a lot.

I keep getting distracted. Bye.