I hope

I hope you realise that I have changed my life for you. I have changed everything about me for you. I will continue to change for you. You are all I have and all I want. I will do anything it takes to keep you.

Regrets

I wish I hadn't done that. Maybe then you wouldn't be so unsure. Maybe then you would want to do the things I want from us. I hate myself everyday. Sometimes I get mad and wonder why you can't forgive me like I did you, but I forget how long it took for me to be okay. It's o ly recently that the thought of it hasn't made me physically ill. I need to remind myself that what I did was worse, so you will need more time.
I guess I find it hard because I know I am being good so I don't always get why you don't see that I am trying really hard.
I want you to acknowledge how hard I try.

Oh shi-

I just came to a terrible conclusion.
I
Am
Depressed.

Which of course is nothing new. But I haven't taken my meds in a very long time and I though I had been doing so well! But instead, I'm not even getting out of bed. That is not normal, louie. For fucks sake how do I not realise these things?

I know

I know for sure that you are my one. You're the one I will grow old with. And if you die first i'll go insane and carry wildlife around in a supermarket trolley. You make me feel happy and alive more than any amount of medication or therapy. You are it. All I want is you. You are like the smelly ink in a pen. The pen is still handy without you, but you make it so much better. I know you won't read this. I'm sure you've forgotten this blog exists, but that's okay. I love you and that's all you need to know.

Sometimes

Sometimes it sucks.
Mostly when he doesn't want to be near me.
I wish I could fix it.
Fuck me, right?
Stupid slut.
Fuck I'm a dickface.
Out and out dickface.
Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

Heh

Can't go home for Christmas. Apparently it's in my contract that I can't get any time off during January and December. That's fucked. I don't know what I am going to do. There is no way I can just miss Christmas every year. I'm not ready for that. I'm not ready at all. I love my family and I want to spend time with them. I know that, because I am not religious some people don't see why it means so much to me, but Christmas isn't about religion to me, it's about spending time with the people you love. And besides, Jesus wasn't even born in December. When Christianity started they just stole the pagan holidays so the transition wouldn't be so difficult to get used to. Easter used to be about the new harvest and life. Hence the chickens and eggs. It is certainly not a representation of Jesus's blood on rocks. Not only is that gruesome, but people back then weren't as metaphorical as we are now.

But that's not the point. The point is that I am pissed off at my work. So bad.

App lolwat?

So I downloaded an application for my fucking fantastic HTC desire hd in the hopes that it would encourage me to write more in this blog. I don't know if that will legit happen, but the app was free so whatever.

So yeah. Life is good. I have lost weight which makes me feel heaps good. I'm a size ten again, thank fuck. I miss Victoria though. All my friends and shit. I've been a terrible friend though. I haven't kept in contact with anyone. I don't even have Dave's number. I messages him ages ago on Facebook asking for it, but I never got a reply. He probably hates me.

I did have a bit of a break down for a while there. I just didn't want to move or live or anything. I think I am better now though.

Yeah I guess there isn't much else to say. I am just bored. Waiting for it to be time to go to work. Blah.