Sigh much?

Sitting around doing sweet eff all seems to be my favourite past-time. I seriously do not know why I even bother trying to interest myself. I always know I'll end up bored and blogging. Or reading FML. In this particular case, both. And since I have now read every FML on the site, I have absolutely nothing to do. I could always join the girlies in the fashion rooms, but I am SO lazy. I really should man the fuck up and do shit. I think class starts soon anyway. I don't actually know, I made that up.

I imagine this will be a much shorter blog as I am really beyond words. Too much blogging has left me with a severe lack of things to say. I shall just sit, stare and sigh for that is all one can do in these situations. I just want to be at home, alone, listening to music and reading a good book. I want to be lonely. Yes, lonely. Not for too long, but for long enough to appreciate people again. Just a few hours. Not forever.




I realised the other day that I am not at all afraid of death. I will do what I can to prevent a premature demise, but I wouldn't stop someone who truly wanted me dead. I mean, I wouldn't want to be an inconvenience and I am sure if someone wanted me to die so badly that they would be willing to do it themselves that I would be rather obliging. At least I don't want to kill myself. That's a positive, right? Although, I think the main reason I don't want to kill myself is because I think it can be so selfish to do so. I don't want to be the cause of other people's pain. I don't want to start off some horrible chain reaction which ends with everybody killing themselves. That would be awful.

I do, however, miss cutting. God do I miss it! I would give damn near anything to feel like I used to, but it isn't the same anymore. It isn't as good. It used to be so amazing. It was perfect. I want t feel like that again. I want to be in control. I want it all back. But it will never be the same. It has been too long. He would be too disappointed. There's hardly a point anymore. Still, I like to do secret ones. Just every now and then. The secret ones are exciting, because no one knows. It becomes my secret again and I love it. For the next few days afterwards I feel like I have all the control and that no one could possibly take that away from me. Unfortunately it does end. Even now the power doesn't last as long. It is horrible to admit, but it may not be as good for me as I feel it is. But what else am I meant to do? I can't get drunk every night. Drugs are too expensive and hard to get to. What else is there? Sex? That's hardly worth it anymore. The only way I can control things is through pain. And that's what I have done and will always do.


Wow. That was a bit unnecessary, Louie. Just calm down for a minute why don't you? That's a good girl. Deep breaths, darling. There, see? Much better.


I am dizzy and unable to properly focus. Awesome.

Suck it up, Louie.

A List Of Happy.

• Love
• Jay
• The ability to forgive
• Never forgetting
• Friends
• Joy
• Secrets
• Being the keeper of said secrets
• Medication
• Bus rides
• Long drives to nowhere
• Intelligence
• Individuality
• The inability to motionless
• Cravings
• Pain
• Music
• Creating soundtracks to my life
• Feeling complete
• Pretending I have curly hair
• Phoenix
• Bade
• Elena
• Juliette
• Crying after everyone's asleep
• Finding my soul
• School
• Rain
• Thunder
• Contentedness
• Atheism
  
• Paganism
• Nature
• Synthetics
• Children
• Never thinking about the future
• Considering and then choosing to ignore all consequences of my actions
• Hunger pains
• Binge drinking
• Alcohol
• Sex
• Women
• Men
• Masturbation
• Orgasms
• Life
• Living as myself
• Big shoes
• Vandalism
• Arguments
• Backstabbing
• Secret workouts
• Brushing my teeth
• Giving head
• Making boys cum
• Turning on randoms
• Being highly sexualised
• Flirting on the train
• Still being faithful
• Beliefs
• Anti-jokes
• The elephant in the room
• Knowledge
• Midnight
• Dawn
• Birds
• Mud
• Purple
• Smiles
• Sexual fantasies
• Violent fantasies
• Childhood fantasies
• Marriage fantasies
• All fantasies
• Dependance
  
• Interest
• Honesty
• Risks
• Strength
• Willpower
• Being a fairy
• Sleep deprivation
• Painting my nails
• Hiding
• Small spaces
• The dark
• Blogging
• Knowing that content doesn't matter, as it will never be spoken of
• Being excellent
• Partying
• Walking the streets at night
• Neglect
• Being submissive
• Assertiveness
• Never being entirely open
• Being deceptive
• 
  

I intend to blog often.

Yes, I do intend to blog often. Caitlin's sudden blogging escapades have inspired me to do so more often. Hello Caitlin!
Also, Elen has joined in. Hello Elen!


Yes, I am not really sure what to blog about, as per usual. What kind of blog would this be if I thought of interesting topics and well written paragraphs. Well, the obvious answer is an interesting blog, but that's not what I am here for so screw it. If you want something more than that you should probably have picked a better blog to read.

So I am in rather an odd mood. I did remember my meds, however, so I am unsure as to why I am so strange today. It is most probably the weather. It is awfully humid and rather hot.

I have decided what I shall be doing for fashion textiles next year. Yay! Now I just have to worry about media. I am totally screwed as I am far too boring to think of something worthwhile. I would love to do a documentary, but I don't know what on so that's pretty much out of the question.





Caitlin is reading out FML to Elen and I. I quite like it as it means I don't have to swap between pages to get a laugh.


So yes, I do believe this is the least interesting blog I have ever written. Go me!

I just got excited by the friction caused by me rubbing glue off my fingers. I am so fucking lame.









That's a big space. I do like spaces, they help sort out my random brain thoughts into convenient paragraphs. If only I were able to do that within my own brain. That would surely make therapy a whole lot easier. Perhaps I wouldn't even need therapy. How amazing would that be! Maybe that is the key to normality, the ability to organise all the random thoughts that speed through your brain into little boxes all labeled and put in alphabetical order. I must work on building this skill.


It is awfully dark right now. I do believe it's going to rain. Lovely. I love it when it rains. Especially a storm, and I do believe it will be a storm.

Caitlin just said "The truth is out there... It's in my pants." and then touched some icky gum. Go you, Caitlin! You're officially deluded and covered in icky hepatitis spit.

And once again I have been stuck staring at the screen. I did, however, comment on Caitlin's blog first so now she cannot complain that I have been wasting my time.


Actually, speaking of comments. Caitlin asked me what is holding me back, why I'm not telling everyone what I think. The simple answer: I am pussy shit. Absolutely positively terrified that things will go back to the way they used to be. I simply cannot handle being alone again.  Despite my strong and fair sized friendship group, I am still terrified. That's how it goes. I am crazy, paranoid and absolutely bonkers. Perhaps in reading this blog you will realise just how insane I am.


"The heavens just opened up". Oh Elen, how right you are. There indeed has been a storm.


Jesus christ Caitlin, Quit reading my fucking blog before I post it! Yes, Caitlin, you. Stop reading it!!





You guys wanna know a secret? TOO BAD!! Mmhhhmmm. I did that.



I do believe I should stop blogging at some point. Lunch is fastly approaching and I intend to catch Elly at her class before she walks all the way to the jizzy.

I have sat here for fifteen minutes staring at the screen thinking "Is my life seriously so boring that I can't even think of something good to write on my blog that no one reads ond no one ever will?"

The answer: "Yes".

You know what I really hate at the moment? Damn near everything.I don't know why I am so pissed off at the world, but I am. Maybe it has something to do with all my friends hating my boyfriend even though he still makes me happy and I am totally over what happened. I don't care anymore, it doesn't involve you, why the fuck aren't you happy that I am happy? I mean, yeah you told me you love me, but everyone knew nothing would ever happen. Yes, he did the wrong thing, but he's working damn hard to fix it. So why the looks and the comments and the general bitchiness? What did he do to you? Nothing. Stop being selfish. There's standing up for me, and then there's making my life hard. It's fucking impossible to make everyone happy when you're all being unreasonable. That's you too, Jay. I know they're being bitchy but you're not making much of an effort here.

Fuck it. Why don't I just tell everyone this?


Yes, I did just spend another 15 minutes staring at the computer screen. I am such a sad sack.

And there goes another ten minutes of my time. What the hell is wrong with me? I have frees first thing in the morning so I get up EARLIER than usual and sit on the computer sighing the whole time. Fuck this right off.

I am so tired. i think I just fell asleep for a while there.



You know what I wish I could do? Write something meaningful and insightful on this piece of shit blog. Maybe the swearing prevents me from doing so. Fucked if I'll stop though.



So I am thinking of doing a documentary type thing for media this year. Like those freaking myspace show, but more awesome. I dunno though, it might be hard. Or boring. Probably both.I don't know what else to do, though. I have too many options and it's getting me confused.

Also, I have no fucking idea what I'm going to do for fashion this year, either. I want to do something spectacular, but I don't have good enough ideas. I would love to have something I can wear everyday. Maybe I won't be able to do that and I should just create an art piece or something.


Anyway, I have now wasted my entire free. Good job, Louie! Maybe someone will bother reading this one day.



By the way, HI Caitlin

I don't update enough.

I really don't. I guess it doesn't matter too much, but I would still enjoy this being a far more regular blog.

Things with Jay are going alright. He cheated on me. I'm not angry. I don't even care anymore. What bothers me i sthat he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me. He says he knows now, but it's still hard for me. I am far too paranoid for him to be saying shit like that. I shouldn't be so passive aggressive with him, but these days I can't help it. I really can be a horrible person sometimes. Bu th eknew all that when he got into this. I made everything very clear from the begginning, that way I don't end up with this sort of shit happening.

I don't think he realises how hard it is for me to be so open with him. He doesn't realise that I prepare every speech about my feelings weeks before I let him know. I can't just talk to people freely. I don't care if it seems like I do, I really don't. I can't say a damn word about how I feel without weeks of preparation. I have to write it all down. Sometimes I try and give people letters about how I feel, but even then I get scared and awkward. I don't like people knowing everything about me.

Actaully, a lot of the stuff on here is awfully toned down. I dunno, I guess I am crazy like that.




I really need to grow up. I am sick of being such a fucking kid.



I am so bored right now. Sitting alone in the MMC at school. I don't have frees with anyone I know. I am going to get a lot of work done this year, apparently. Either that or I will get totally depressed. Hell, probably both.





I don't know why I bother with this.