I don't update enough.

I really don't. I guess it doesn't matter too much, but I would still enjoy this being a far more regular blog.

Things with Jay are going alright. He cheated on me. I'm not angry. I don't even care anymore. What bothers me i sthat he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me. He says he knows now, but it's still hard for me. I am far too paranoid for him to be saying shit like that. I shouldn't be so passive aggressive with him, but these days I can't help it. I really can be a horrible person sometimes. Bu th eknew all that when he got into this. I made everything very clear from the begginning, that way I don't end up with this sort of shit happening.

I don't think he realises how hard it is for me to be so open with him. He doesn't realise that I prepare every speech about my feelings weeks before I let him know. I can't just talk to people freely. I don't care if it seems like I do, I really don't. I can't say a damn word about how I feel without weeks of preparation. I have to write it all down. Sometimes I try and give people letters about how I feel, but even then I get scared and awkward. I don't like people knowing everything about me.

Actaully, a lot of the stuff on here is awfully toned down. I dunno, I guess I am crazy like that.




I really need to grow up. I am sick of being such a fucking kid.



I am so bored right now. Sitting alone in the MMC at school. I don't have frees with anyone I know. I am going to get a lot of work done this year, apparently. Either that or I will get totally depressed. Hell, probably both.





I don't know why I bother with this.