Sigh much?

Sitting around doing sweet eff all seems to be my favourite past-time. I seriously do not know why I even bother trying to interest myself. I always know I'll end up bored and blogging. Or reading FML. In this particular case, both. And since I have now read every FML on the site, I have absolutely nothing to do. I could always join the girlies in the fashion rooms, but I am SO lazy. I really should man the fuck up and do shit. I think class starts soon anyway. I don't actually know, I made that up.

I imagine this will be a much shorter blog as I am really beyond words. Too much blogging has left me with a severe lack of things to say. I shall just sit, stare and sigh for that is all one can do in these situations. I just want to be at home, alone, listening to music and reading a good book. I want to be lonely. Yes, lonely. Not for too long, but for long enough to appreciate people again. Just a few hours. Not forever.




I realised the other day that I am not at all afraid of death. I will do what I can to prevent a premature demise, but I wouldn't stop someone who truly wanted me dead. I mean, I wouldn't want to be an inconvenience and I am sure if someone wanted me to die so badly that they would be willing to do it themselves that I would be rather obliging. At least I don't want to kill myself. That's a positive, right? Although, I think the main reason I don't want to kill myself is because I think it can be so selfish to do so. I don't want to be the cause of other people's pain. I don't want to start off some horrible chain reaction which ends with everybody killing themselves. That would be awful.

I do, however, miss cutting. God do I miss it! I would give damn near anything to feel like I used to, but it isn't the same anymore. It isn't as good. It used to be so amazing. It was perfect. I want t feel like that again. I want to be in control. I want it all back. But it will never be the same. It has been too long. He would be too disappointed. There's hardly a point anymore. Still, I like to do secret ones. Just every now and then. The secret ones are exciting, because no one knows. It becomes my secret again and I love it. For the next few days afterwards I feel like I have all the control and that no one could possibly take that away from me. Unfortunately it does end. Even now the power doesn't last as long. It is horrible to admit, but it may not be as good for me as I feel it is. But what else am I meant to do? I can't get drunk every night. Drugs are too expensive and hard to get to. What else is there? Sex? That's hardly worth it anymore. The only way I can control things is through pain. And that's what I have done and will always do.


Wow. That was a bit unnecessary, Louie. Just calm down for a minute why don't you? That's a good girl. Deep breaths, darling. There, see? Much better.


I am dizzy and unable to properly focus. Awesome.

Suck it up, Louie.