What is up

What the hell is with my generation? Everyone is getting married and knocked up and they're not even 18!! Well, some of them are, but they are still awfully young. And the reasons they are getting married are just insane! One girl cheated on her boyfriend so to prove that she was serious about the relationship is serious they're getting married, another is getting married for the army benefits! It's just beyond me how they can treat this so lightly. I know I am big on getting married, but I'm not gonna do it just to try and hold together a failing love.

And does my generation not know what a freaking condom is?! Seriously. Everyone is pregnant or have already given birth. All unplanned. It's fucked up. I just can't understand how people are treating all this lightly!! I mean, they realise they aren't ready for kids, and they can't really afford to raise the child, but they go ahead and have it anyway. It really makes me so damn furious

Ugh!!!

This cyclone is driving me insane. It's not big enough to be dangerous and fun, but it's too big for me to go out and do shit. So I have eaten a shitload.

Today I ate:

Half a bag of chips
Two pieces of pizza
Two mouth fulls of stir-fry (that shit was so sweet I couldn't eat it)
Two vegemite sandwiches with real butter (delicious, but fatty)

And I still want to eat more. It's disgusting. I can feel the fat just growing on me, the food rotting in me. It honestly makes me sick. If I could throw up, I would. Unfortunately I have been graced with a severe lack of a gag reflex.

My house mate has some caffeine pills. He doesn't want them so I am gonna try and use them as appetite suppressants. But I can't take too many because if I don't sleep at night, Jay will get weird.

This cyclone has actually made it a but chilly here. It's kinda nice actually. I don't have a lot of warm clothes here though.


I seriously can't get over how much food is in my right now. I found some wicked thinspo today. But still I ate. This sucks.

Damn

I know I wasn't going to do this, but I was looking at hair and stuff and here I am. Today is only coloured hair!

Terrible week.

I am having a truly terrible week this week. Not only has my broken psyche started to manifest itself into physical sickness, but it has become the ruler of my world. No one is trustworthy. Everyone is against me.

Weddings

Weddings are so freaking hard if you're not the one getting married. Being a bridesmaid is just so difficult, even from the other side of the country. I just feel like I am making lots of trouble, but I can't help that I have big feet and am allergic to gold. I really am not in the right state of mind.

All grown up

Moving out from home has made me realise a few things. That it is damn hard to find a job, toilet paper is incredibly expensive and living with people isn't the same as living with family.

I, very naively, thought that moving out with some of my friends would mean we'd all share dinners and tell each other what we're doing, maybe even have breakfast together sometimes. This is not the case. In fact, it's not even close. I have had to substitute healthy, yummy, group dinners at 6pm every night, for cheap cardboard-tasting singular meals just before bed. As for letting people know what's going on in my life, that would apparently make me clingy and strange, instead I am expected to just go along doing what I do without really talking about anything. Unless I have to leave the house, then sometimes I should say goodbye. As for the good old Sunday breakfast, with hash browns, baked beans, bacon, eggs, fried tomatoes and mushrooms and damn near anything else covered in fat, well that has become a distant memory. Its substitute, occasional bowls of cereal and soggy toast.

All these seemingly insignificant things that I took for granted, are what I know yearn for. Being able to leave a cup in the sink once in a while, only having to clean the kitchen when my grandparents were coming over, being able to blame my mess on my siblings, all these things are what makes living with you family so much nicer than just living with people you know.

What I miss the most though, of everything about living at home, is just knowing that no matter what you have an entire household full of people willing to drop everything to help you out when you need it, no matter what. When you live with friends, you know they're willing to help, but not always unconditionally. Of course, there are always some things that you can't really ask your friends to do, as well. Although they'd be willing, it would be awkward to ask your friends to help you with homework, or to look after you when you're ill.

Moving out makes you realise that, as grown up as you thought you were, you're not half way there yet. It also makes you truly appreciate everything your family did for you while you were at home, especially all the times someone else did your washing for you.

It's killing me

It kills me to know that she is here. That I saw her and didn't even realise. I am furious and terrified and heartbroken all at once. I spent all last night crying. I am upset. Very upset. I am paranoid. What if Keaton invites her over? What if what if what if! I don't know what to do. I am barely able to breathe. I have to remind myself to smile. My heart feels like it's only beating on the odd occasion. He wasn't around for the initial hurt. He doesn't realise how bad it is for her to be here, or how much it broke my heart and spirit when I found out.

Gosh

I am still losing weight, woopwoop! Shame about my knees. They're not getting better. =(

Dave deleted his blogspot. I miss Dave. Lots.

One day

One day I will be someone's thinspiration. Some one will see me and think "damn I wanna be like that". One day I will be on videos, blogs and websites everywhere with the caption "this is beauty".