It's killing me

It kills me to know that she is here. That I saw her and didn't even realise. I am furious and terrified and heartbroken all at once. I spent all last night crying. I am upset. Very upset. I am paranoid. What if Keaton invites her over? What if what if what if! I don't know what to do. I am barely able to breathe. I have to remind myself to smile. My heart feels like it's only beating on the odd occasion. He wasn't around for the initial hurt. He doesn't realise how bad it is for her to be here, or how much it broke my heart and spirit when I found out.