Betrayer

Betrayal is my middle name.
Take a ticket.


You know what sucks? Sad. I hate sad. I hate being sad. I hate seeing sad. I hate hearing sad. I want Jay here. I need Jay.

I don't know why I feel like this. I don't know why I can't tell anyone how shit I feel. I don't know anything. Normally I am all for a good whine but now I can barely tell Jay how I feel. This sucks so damn much. I hate this and I hate me.

Not any longer

No longer am I worth a goodbye.
No more shall we talk pollitely.
It is not so much a shame,
as it is a dissapointment.
I thought we'd forever be friends,
but that's not what you want.
I don't care as much as I used to.
I am still sad.
We had a friendship that was unbreakable.
Or so I thought.
So much can change in a few years.
Once I was worth a beautiful hello.
Now I am not worth a simple goodbye.
It's okay. I understand.
Sometimes I want to go back
To when I could hold your hand.
Now you better me at everything.
I hate that we aren't to speak.
I hate that you don't love me.
But that's not fair.
So I am forever yours,
as long as forver isn't always.
With double standard love
and uncreasing dependance.
Not any longer will I talk to you.
Unless you say something first.

Rock ou twith your cock out.

I wanted to write so here I am writing.
What a coincidence, huh?

I don't actually know what to write. I was in a shitful mood yesterday, which is great as it was christmas. I started off happy but that stopped at about 1 PM., maybe 12.

I didn't get a whole lot. Mum painted em a finch. The kids made em things. Dad made em a tool box. I think it was meant for Jay but he ran out of time.
We got scrubs seasons two through to seven. That's pretty cool.

So yeah. It wasn't great. Not many people came around and when they did they didn't seem to want to talk to me. It was hot and I was grumpy.

I don't know what yo uwant to hear. My moods haven't got better. I am still being a whiney whore. Nothing really to comment on.


I'll be back.
Much love,
Louie.

No no no no no no no no no no no no!!




NO!!!

Merry Christmas

Indeed a Merry Christmas to you all!

I wish I could say that I am feeling awesome, but that's just a lie. I feel like shit.

I'm not really sure why. I guess I am just lucky, hey?

Not that anyone should worry about me. I mean, what am I going to do? Cut again?

Worse.

The only thing worse than knowing your boyfriend doesn't love you,


Is not knowing if he does.

Sad

I'm getting sad again. It sucks.

I'm being stupid again. I hate it.

I should get over myself. Over everything.

I'm not that great. Why bother?

Shut up. I hate you.

Photos

So I've been taking shitloads of photos. I have well over a hundred on my computer from about two days. Not bad, ey?
If you want to look at them you can check out my deviantart http://i-want-your-skull.deviantart.com
Or my myspace photos has some more fun ones http://www.myspace.com/thementalhome

So yeah. I haven't really done much at all these past few days. I wish I had, but I'm just boring and lazy. No one's really invited me out and I am too lazy to invite myself. So it's my fault that I'm not doing anything. I will do more on the weekend when Jay is home. I don't know when he stops working for the holidays, which sucks.


I want to sing in public. Like, with a band or something. That'd be cool.








I'm bored. It sucks.


























Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Ratboy's here. Toodles!

Suicide and Happiness.

Yeah. This blog's going to be a bit all over the place. A few things have happened since I last blogged. Sorry if this seems disrespectful in anyway.


So there was this guy called Rowan. I didn't know him very well, but I knew him, and that waas enough. Or so I thought.

Rowan seemed like an okay guy, but a bit out of it. I was with some people at the pub one night and they were making fun of him and saying things about him. It was the first time I met him so I just let it happen, but he seemed nice enough.

Months later my friends Bec and Jess come over. They say their mum was upset and told them to leave the house. So they came to mine. After hanging out for a while their mum called for them to go to see her. When they left my mum told me that their housemate had commited suicide and Bec and Jess's mum had found the body. Their housemate was Rowan.

I have never been around someone who had commited suicide. I didn't know what to think or do, so I just did what I have done with everyone else's death, continue normally.

Last night it hit me I guess. I cried for him. I cried for how sad he must have been.
I also felt guilty.

I felt guilty for letting those people say those things. I felt guilty for ever thinking about doing it myself. I felt horrible. I was ashamed that I had ever tried to or thought about it or hurt myself. Iwish i could go back in time and reverse what I did. I wish I could save Rowan.

I'm sorry Rowan for not helping and letting people say things about you. I'm sorry that I will stop writting about you because it makes me sad.


------------------------------







Jay bought me a digital camera for christmas. I love it. It's not superdooper fantabyhoobytastic, but it's mine. I've been taking loads of photos.





I've been having weird dreams lately. The dreams themselves are fairly normal (by dream standards) but they're leaving me in strange moods in the morning.

In one Jay left me for another girl in sing song. I woke up crying.
In another Tom told me about how he didn't want Jay in the band because he wasn't "putting enough money in". I woke up furious at Tom.

These dreams suck. I want to wake up in the normal way.









I'm kind of lost for things to write now. I feel almost hollow. I am so so sorry.

I don't care what you think as long as it's about me

New moto. Like it? Fall Out Boy made that one. I like it though. As emo as that sounds. It's my confidence showing.


I went and saw two movies.
Sex Drive and High School Musical 3.
I liked both of them.
Enough said.


I am feeling really confident lately. It's cool.
I don't even feel sad.
I feel happy, actually.
It's wicked.




I AM HAPPY!!!!!
I AM HAPPY!!!!!
I AM HAPPY!!!!!
I AM SO FUCKING HAPPY!!!!!

This rocks.
It really does.



Thank you to anyone reading this. Every single thing you do makes me happy. The fact that you're alive is awesome. THANK YOU!!!




Over and Out!
Louie the happy fairy

Whore

You know what sucks? I put my whole life out here and no one says anything? No one tells me what they think of me or comments on what I have said. No one seems to care.

This is my silent blog.
The blog with no love.


I don't know why I care. It's not like I write for anyone in particular. I just need the validation.
I'm sad like that.

Inside I shall stay.

So I haven't been too good.

I almost did a very bad thing.

Luckily there are people to save me.



I suck.





The internet is back.



I have an ulcer on my eye.

It's painful.



Jay is lovely, don't you think? I am starting to realise just how lucky I am. I feel amazing.



Kat says I am sexy. Her dad likes the look of me too. That was an intersting, but welcome, compliment.





This is a rather strangely written blog.

I guess I have rather strange thougths at the moment.



And I couldn't say no...









You know what's weird?

People.

The way we think. It's strange.



Did you know we only see parts of an image? And what we do see is upside down and backwards? Because of blood vessels and what not there are holes in everything we see.

Our brain turns it all around the right way and fills in the gaps with what it can see and stuff like that.

It's amazing, isn't it? To realise how much work our brain does every second.

I wish I could pull it apart and find out everything.











Bendigo is cool. I don't know if I said that or not.

It's fun.



I have no need for such things but to make you happy....



















I don't really know what's going on with my life at the moment. It's all a bit crazy



Tomorrow


So today is tomorrow. I forgot to post this.
I just drafted it.

I'm scared that if I get better I will still be sad.
I don't want that.
I stopped cutting,
I'm still sad.
I started eating,
I'm still sad.

Jay makes me happier,
but I'm still sad.







I don't want to be alone

Not anymore.