Suicide and Happiness.

Yeah. This blog's going to be a bit all over the place. A few things have happened since I last blogged. Sorry if this seems disrespectful in anyway.


So there was this guy called Rowan. I didn't know him very well, but I knew him, and that waas enough. Or so I thought.

Rowan seemed like an okay guy, but a bit out of it. I was with some people at the pub one night and they were making fun of him and saying things about him. It was the first time I met him so I just let it happen, but he seemed nice enough.

Months later my friends Bec and Jess come over. They say their mum was upset and told them to leave the house. So they came to mine. After hanging out for a while their mum called for them to go to see her. When they left my mum told me that their housemate had commited suicide and Bec and Jess's mum had found the body. Their housemate was Rowan.

I have never been around someone who had commited suicide. I didn't know what to think or do, so I just did what I have done with everyone else's death, continue normally.

Last night it hit me I guess. I cried for him. I cried for how sad he must have been.
I also felt guilty.

I felt guilty for letting those people say those things. I felt guilty for ever thinking about doing it myself. I felt horrible. I was ashamed that I had ever tried to or thought about it or hurt myself. Iwish i could go back in time and reverse what I did. I wish I could save Rowan.

I'm sorry Rowan for not helping and letting people say things about you. I'm sorry that I will stop writting about you because it makes me sad.


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Jay bought me a digital camera for christmas. I love it. It's not superdooper fantabyhoobytastic, but it's mine. I've been taking loads of photos.





I've been having weird dreams lately. The dreams themselves are fairly normal (by dream standards) but they're leaving me in strange moods in the morning.

In one Jay left me for another girl in sing song. I woke up crying.
In another Tom told me about how he didn't want Jay in the band because he wasn't "putting enough money in". I woke up furious at Tom.

These dreams suck. I want to wake up in the normal way.









I'm kind of lost for things to write now. I feel almost hollow. I am so so sorry.