I'm the joke. I'm the bastard.

You know what's odd?
How spiteful and angry I can be.
I really don't want to be. I want to be congratulatory.
Instead, I am
Well, jealous.
This is stupid. Just man up, Louie.


So I have had a revelation today. I'm not sure why I didn't think about it before. Guess it just doesn't bother me. Still, it's interesting to know, because I like to know things about my friends, mostly. Well, people in general.

I don't know what to write about today. I am alive, which is a plus. As per usual.

I wish that everyone would be so sincerely sorry for what they did to me that they'd grovel at my feet and beg forgiveness. That would be great.
Actually, I'd rather they felt all the pain they made me feel. That'd be better.

So. How are you?

Hmm. I haven't had one of these blogs for a while. I want to have something interesting to write about.


Well, that was odd. Just after I wrote that I found out that one of my bestest friends from my childhood who I totally lost contact with had a brain tumour. That is interesting. He's alive, and we're talking as we speak. That's cool. We used to take baths together. Nothing weird. We were five. But yeah, 'twas cool.



I am sad.

There's no aphrodisiac like loneliness

I need to stop attaching myself to people all willy-nilly. It's wrong. I need to learn to be my own person, without relying on friends to keep me alive. Not only is that unfair to them, it is detrimental to their being. It is detrimental to my being.
I think a large part of it is because Jay isn't here. I need constant physical proof that I am loved, and having him so far away makes that very difficult to obtain. Without his constant touch I become a very needy person. Especially at the moment, seeing as, emotionally, I am not myself. It makes it difficult for me to behave in a normal and natural way, which in turn makes it difficult for me to think rationally. In the end, I am paranoid, lonely and clingy. Which is generally not a great combination.

I am, however, being somewhat sensible. I have not cut or anything like that. I have come close, of course, but I haven't actually done it yet. So that is good. Normally by this time I'd be more cuts than skin.So I suppose that is a good thing. I have also stayed away from medication other than my anti-depressants and the pill. I have essentially banned myself from using my regular coping methods in an attempt to become a "well adjusted individual".

I ran out of credit today. That normally would not be an issue, but as previously mentioned, I am not myself. So that has also contributed to the fact that I am horribly unstable at the moment.

Sadness. Fuck it.

I am sick of this shit and everything that comes with it.
I am pissed because Reid didn't make good on his promise and that shits me because I really wanted to talk to him. And I am pissed because mum doesn't have the money to buy me a ticket to Groovin' the Moo as a birthday present, but apparently does have the money to buy two tickets to Port Fairy Folk Festival. She's been nothing but a child recently. I wish she'd grow up, so I didn't have to. I am sick of everything. I want to fuck off out of this place right now. Fucking titty shit fuck.

I don't know what's going on with me. I'm on the meds, I should be happy. Why the fuck aren't I? They worked last time!! Now all I can do is cry a lot and keep up a façade in front of people. I am sick of being so fucked up. I'm becoming a depressing person to be around. I don't want to be this person again. I don't want to do this.

I should stop being such a fucking pussy. I am sick of being me. Just fuck it all.

Break my heart

Valentine's day is a day of happiness. Supposedly. For the vast majority it seems to be a day of sadness, regret and rejection. I want to be able to make everyone happy.
However, I have realised that, despite my very happy situation, my heart is still breaking. Is it possible to fix other people's broken hearts if you're finding it hard to hold together the shards of your own? It's odd that my heart should be breaking right now, as I really have no reason for it to. I suppose it's just the way I am. Whiney and controlling.

On a nicer note, I went to St Kilda Fest yesterday. It was pure awesome in festival form.I had lots of fun.
I started off by going to Caitlin's and catching the train with her. We were worried we'd be the only ones there, as we couldn't get into the other carriages to see everyone else. But when we got into Southern Cross it was fine. We managed to find Kiana with a simple phone call. Then we were waiting at the station for Izzy and her band of friends. While waiting we also got to find Kiana's friend Adam. He's nice, but kinda closed off. Anyway, when Izzy got there we got introduced to her friends, but I can only remember Alice and Enya names.
So then we all caught the tram to St Kilda. It was fucking packed, but we could only expect that. We got off the tram and walked down to the Max Beach Stage. On the way there we saw this cool as salsa dance tent thing set up and they were teaching people to salsa right there on the street!! We also saw a bunch of other street performers setting up.
So we walk to the Max stage and Washington was playing. Caitlin was very excited by this as Clamentine is her myspace song. I didn't realise I knew so many songs by them, until I started listening and realised I know all the lyrics.
So we all got up and had a bit of a dance, which was very fun! After Washington's set we just kinda hung around the Max stage, waiting for the next person to come on. That's when I met Random Ukulele Guy. I saw him walking around with his ukulele so I asked if I could play a little, which was fun. He hung around for a while, but when we realised we didn't like Archie Roach (the next guy on stage) we went our separate ways. Which was fine, I had fun.
So yes, we decided we didn't like Archie Roach and went for a walk around to see the other stages. However, Kiana decided it would be a nice time for a swim. So despite the fact we had no bathers, Kiana and I went into the sea. She was wearing a dress, so it wasn't too bad for her, but I was wearing pants. That subsequently got salt all over them. Kiana's dress was white, however, which meant it went see-through.
After that we saw the Foxtel butterfly. Which was just a lady on stilts in a butterfly costume, but it was awesome!!
Then we walked all the way back to the Max stage, but Caitlin realised she's lost her mum's cardigan. So Caitlin and I went back to look for it but we couldn't find it anywhere. We've assumed someone taxed it.
So then we were hanging at the Max stage for a while. Nothing eventful happened around this time, expect that I suspect it is when I got sunburnt.
A few hours later a flying hat comes off a rooftop, so I taxed it. It's a coke hat and I love it. Then we went on a walk, and I found a scarf which is also awesome. Then Caitlin and I had to go and catch out train, but on the way I found a cardigan!! So yeah, that was awesome!
So on the way home it was fairly uneventful as well. But when we got to Gizzy station I saw Dom!! I haven't seen him since year eight!! It was kinda weird, but also really good. And then I found a superman hat, and taxed that. And a really pretty purple bracelet. That I taxed as well. Haha!
So then we went to Caitlin's and did the usual thing, went to bed, got up, went to school. Nothing amazing.
But I had such an amazing day!! I reckon that's one of my top valentine's of ALL TIME! I really had such a good day. I did get VERY sunburnt though. But I'll get over that. I am so glad I took so many photos of the day. I hope I never forget it.

Anxiety

So I am incredibly anxious lately. I don't know exactly all the reasons for this increase, but I know a few reasons.

Finally figured out when Jay's getting home. In two months. It would be unbearable if it weren't for the fact that for two of those weeks I am able to see him. So I guess it's only six weeks before I get to see him. I really hate having him so far away. I feel horrible without him around. He's the rock that holds me to the earth. I love the fact that he's so protective of me, because I feel so fragile that I need all the protection I can get.

I feel odd tonight. Normally I would rejoice at having the house to myself, but something feels wrong. So very wrong. I'm not sure if it's me or if it's someone else or if it's just anxiety. I know I hate it though.

I realised today that I haven't written any interesting or substantial blogs in a very long time. I really don't like the fact that I have let this slip away from me. It has a lot to do with knowing that no one is actually interested in what I've written. I want people to read this, I really do. Just friends, you know. People who care about how I feel and what I have to say. Because if all my friends read this then I wouldn't have to try and explain my emotions. I would, however, lose some of the freedom I have on here. A lot of the stuff I write about is the kind of stuff I don't want a lot of people to see. I'm generally a fairly open person, but I don't want everyone to sit there and judge. There are a lot of things where I try to be vague with details in real life, that I am incredibly blunt with on here. I don't know if it's for my sake, or if it's for the sake of others, but most people don't want details on stuff like that. Especially if they have they're own problems.

That horrible gaping whole in my chest has returned. That feeling that my heart is bleeding into my lungs. I feel like I have to get out the needle and thread to sew myself back together, before I spill out all over the place and make a mess.

I hope
You die.
I truly truly do.
If I had my way you'd be long gone.
Unfortunately, the world isn't kind.
It's cruel and sadistic.
You've been sent to torment me and there's nothing I can do about it.
So just go away.
Please.

Lonely

It's funny how you can feel so lonely if just one person you want isn't around. No matter how many people are around you, if the one you want isn't there you're just miserable. I really hate that.
My doctor said I shouldn't put so much of my emotion into other people's hands. That I am supposed to be in control of my own feelings, no matter who is around.

Blocked.

Today is my first day of year twelve.
I was absolutely packing myself before, but I am not really so worried now that I'm getting into the swing of things. I'm still uncomfortable about leaving though.

Think of school as a womb. Warm, safe, comforting, you'd never want to leave! But eventually they're just gonna push you out anyway, wether you like it or not.
I am definately one of the babies that hangs in there for dear life.


On a different note, the school has obviously uped it's internet security. Not only are all the sites I love blocked, all the proxys to get to the sites I love are blocked. I mean, unless I want to download a proxy (which I can't anyway) I am screwed. What does one do in their frees if not facebook and FML?

The answer, apparently, is Bash.org.




So yes, I don't really know what to write. Again.
I kinda just came here because it's one of two sites I want to look at that isn't blocked.