Anxiety

So I am incredibly anxious lately. I don't know exactly all the reasons for this increase, but I know a few reasons.

Finally figured out when Jay's getting home. In two months. It would be unbearable if it weren't for the fact that for two of those weeks I am able to see him. So I guess it's only six weeks before I get to see him. I really hate having him so far away. I feel horrible without him around. He's the rock that holds me to the earth. I love the fact that he's so protective of me, because I feel so fragile that I need all the protection I can get.

I feel odd tonight. Normally I would rejoice at having the house to myself, but something feels wrong. So very wrong. I'm not sure if it's me or if it's someone else or if it's just anxiety. I know I hate it though.

I realised today that I haven't written any interesting or substantial blogs in a very long time. I really don't like the fact that I have let this slip away from me. It has a lot to do with knowing that no one is actually interested in what I've written. I want people to read this, I really do. Just friends, you know. People who care about how I feel and what I have to say. Because if all my friends read this then I wouldn't have to try and explain my emotions. I would, however, lose some of the freedom I have on here. A lot of the stuff I write about is the kind of stuff I don't want a lot of people to see. I'm generally a fairly open person, but I don't want everyone to sit there and judge. There are a lot of things where I try to be vague with details in real life, that I am incredibly blunt with on here. I don't know if it's for my sake, or if it's for the sake of others, but most people don't want details on stuff like that. Especially if they have they're own problems.

That horrible gaping whole in my chest has returned. That feeling that my heart is bleeding into my lungs. I feel like I have to get out the needle and thread to sew myself back together, before I spill out all over the place and make a mess.