I LEAVE TODAY!!

So yeah. I am pretty excited about it all.

Unfortuantely today has been a day of anger. People are just bullshit.

First in drama people were saying that depression is a mind of matter situation, that anti-depressants are mostly just placebos, "water and sugar pills".
Now, if you've been reading for a while you'd know that this SHITS ME UP THE FUCKING WALL!!
The ignorance and intolerance of people is what makes it hard for people like me to admit that we have a problem. It's those people that stopped me seeing anyone about help. Those people are the reason I tried to "get over" my depression for ten years before I actually got help.
I hate it so much. So so damn much.

Then some cow who was listening to her iPod all lesson and writing a letter to some random decided that, in the last three minutes of class, after she'd packed up and was standing at the door to yell at ME for talking to MY friends about the play WE ARE ANALYSING! She says "Billy is trying to talk" in just about the bitchiest manner ever. And it's not the first time she has done this. She then proceeds to ignore what Billy says and talk to her friend.

Recess was fine, just a fight between two of my friends kinda left me stuck in the middle. I don't mind, but I was already shitty, so that's why I was like that.

Next lesson I realise that I've left ALL MY WORK at home. Yeah, great, since it's due today. Fucking awesome.

Lunch was fine, then I had a SAC, which is easy. During my free (now) some DOUCHER decides he wants to use the computer I am using. You know why? Because it's next to his friend. Never mind that there are rows of computers next to me. Fucking pokemon doucher.


So yes. Now it is nearing the end of school, and I will get to go to the airport to see my boy. I can't wait. I am so damn excited!! I really am. I think it's the only reason I haven't got UBER shitty today.



So I will probably not be blogging for the next two weeks.
I love you!!



Louie.

Bade

I don't ever want to let him go.
I want him to be with me forever.
Don't ever ever ever leave me.
Hold my hand and lead me through.

I don't want anyone to take him away. I won't let anyone take him away. I love him. He loves me.

I LEAVE TOMORROW!

Okay. So I realise this blog will be mostly a lot of teen girl excitement, but I don't give a shit! I LEAVE TOMORROW AND I GET LAID!! Although the getting laid part is just a bonus.I just can't wait to see my Jay!!
I still have to clean my room though. I packed, but that has left my room a mess. Many clothes are lying scattered across my bed and floor. Totally worth every second of it though. I really can't wait! I am so excited!!

So anyway. Today I went and saw a play, Fat Boy. It was put on by the Red Stitch Theatre Company. It was pretty awesome. The play was absurd theatre so it got a bit out there.
The message was all about consumerism and such. Pretty awesome.
I won't go into too much detail in case someone wants to see it, but I recommend you find a way to see it! Very hard hitting and potent. So worth everything.


So I don't really know what to say. I am kinda pissy with some people (persons?) at the moment and I don't really know what to do. I want to go and confront them and be like, "Look, this is what you're doing. Grow up" but I also kinda don't want to offend them and shit because we're mates and shit.
WHAT DO I DO

Home

So I am home sick today. Expect a fair load of blogging.

There is this feeling inside me. Last night I thought it was anger, but it doesn't seem to be that way. It's this uncontrollable emotion. Something so large that it is pushing me apart. Trying to get enough space. It's filled me up and I have no way of letting it out.
I think I am enjoying it. It's empowering. I have energy inside me that could tear apart this world. I do feel as though I need to let it out though. If I keep it in me too long I may just let it destroy me. I need to let this out in to the world. I need to do something.

Dear world,
Be prepared.


I do very much dislike being home from school. I really want to be out in the world. I want to get out of this house. I am going insane. What is happening? This energy, it's burning inside me. What would you do?

There is so much I want to get out. I want to write everything that has ever happened. Not to me. To the world. I want it to be known. I want everyone to understand that what they see isn't the only reality. I want everyone to know that fairytales are true. That there are fairies in this world. That people and animals can be one and the same. That there is such a thing as a life energy and that it is inside all of us. I want everyone to realise the beauty of this other reality. The darkness of both. The magic of our life. The magic of all life. The energy that radiates from everything we see. From everything we don't see. I want people to feel like I do. To feel this power.

But no one listens. No one hears the screams. No one sees them crying. Begging to be recognised. Dying with out a typical existence. I will fix this. I truly will. I will make everyone see what I see.I will be more than this.
I will join the lost. And together we shall become more than human.

David.

Yes. This IS a blog named after you, my little gay friend.
I just wanted to let you know that I really appreciate your friendship. Sorry I can't say it any better way than this.But the truth is, I look up to you too. You're just about one of the best people around. You're smart, quirky, funny, original. I just think you're amazing.
And even though this sounds like a love letter, I just wanted to let you know that, not matter what, you're awesome. And you truly are an amazing friend.

Scared

I am to scared to be myself.
To let out emotion.
To be human again.

I want to write to you and make it sound meaningful.
But the truth is, I just can't. I'm not a philosophical, metaphorical kind of person.
I am far too blunt for that kind of thing.
My heart is exploding. I just want to get away.


Not long now and I will fly away from this place.

Sigh

Today was not a bad day.
However (oh yes, there's always a however!) I feel like utter shite right now.

To be honest, I am kinda pissed at Jess. I mean, it'll sound stupid as all hell, but she's started meeting up at the pagolla at the end of school. And you know, that's fine, it's just that she never bothered to tell me. So for the past week or two weeks or whatever I have been waiting for her at the gazebo, looking like a fuckwit as I stand there alone. To anyone else this wouldn't be so bad, but due to my anxiety I have a hard time being alone in public. I mean, you think she'd at least tell me the first time she did it or something. Or reply when I ask her where we're meeting. Or whatever. It's stupid.

Just so damn angry right now. I don't think it's entirely because of Jess. I'm just grumpy. So fucking grumpy.

Why on EARTH are people just being so infuriating? WHY?! I just can't understand why you people are doing this to me.

Better.

FUCK ME!!

My arm is killing me out of nowhere. And it's not stress. WTFMATE?!

Anyway, sorry for stressing so bad.

I have now sufficiently repressed those emotions and can continue with life.

So yeah. I am safe.

Shit.

Why isn't anything getting better? I had my break downs. It should be fine. I should be fine! I can't stand being like this. I don't understand why I am. I jst can't relax. I can't be calm. I can't do anything because I am so damn crazy all the time.I just don't want to do this. I really don't.

If I could, I would run away. Then I wouldn't have to deal with any of this. I could be normal. Run to where no one knows who I am. Run as far as possible.
I hate that I can't.
Jay won't let me.

I am so fucking fucked. Why do I even bother anymore? Seriously. Fuck it. It's not fcking worth it. I'm done. Streak over. That's it. Back to what I used to be. What I used to do. FUCK IT!

I promised myself I would not cry.
And yet, when I saw you again
I couldn't help it.
With tears falling down my face,
I run towards you.
My arms open, ready to embrace.
But when I reach you,
You have gone.
I clasp at the air
Where you should be.
I promised myself I wouldn't cry.

I am dying.

Just so you know.

Hyperactive Tattoo

So today I went to Jason's house. Just to chill so I could calm down a bit.You know, just spend the day not thinking. Well, I ended up giving him a tattoo. Yes, a real one. He bought a tattoo kit and I was pissing around with it and I asked if I could give him a tat and he said yes. It was awesome. He taught me how to do a stencil and everything. I filmed it. When I put it on youtube I'll stick a link here so that anyone that is interested can see it.
Anyway, I wanted to give him a Chinese character that said "dick", but he said he'd rather get an inverted pentagram. It was pretty cool. I had so much fun doing it. I really want to do more. Like, lots more. Caitlin said "maybe you've found your calling" and even though she was joking, I really really loved doing it. LOVED doing it!


I also had two cans of mother today. I know, HARDCORE! But I am easily effected by energy drinks and mother is the worst for it.



I'd let you talk to them anyway.

Am not!

I didn't. I just set them straight.


What do you think of Bade? Did you know that you've spoken to him. You have.

Fuck it. Fuck me. Fuck you.

I am so fucking stressed out it's not even funny.
Like, seriously. I had a break down in the middle of Literature today. I could hardly get out of the room fast enough. I can't take all this pressure. I just can't. I don't want to do this anymore. I want out. I want to get out of this freaking place. I just can't do it. I need an out. I need a way to just fuck this all off. I need to run away. I'll do this later. I just can't right now. I really can't. I am so fucked. I am screwed. Fuck fuck fuck.
Fuck this. I'm not coming back.

Procrastination.

I have, literally, weeks of work over due. I should be doing it all right now but I can't bring myself to do it. Why do I put myself in these situations? Fuck my stupid way of dealing.

Today there was a spider on my door. I shat my pants. Not literally, but I squealed like a little girl. And now I am paranoid. THERE ARE SPIDERS EVERYWHERE!!
Normally I am okay with spiders, but this one was of the black scary variety. I don't like the black scary ones.


So I just attempted to do some work. I finished my client profile, but I am going to do my questions later. I really can't be stuffed. It's 8.30, which is as good as bedtime for me.


I don't actually know what to write today. I have been awfully insecure. I have it in my head that Jay is fucking around on me. He probably isn't. In fact, logically, I am positive that he isn't. There is just something inside me that says he is. But that's just my paranoia.


I really really want to write something meaningful, or at least interesting. Why must I fail?

Second for the day

I don't actually know what to write.
My hyper has died down, as now I am very tired and kinda sad.
But I'm not depressed. Just regular person sad.

Oh fuck yes!
For the first central heating of the year.
I am so cold.

I want you to be here so I can get cuddles.
Actually, I want you here too. For company.
And maybe you, for funsies.



Nothing much happened today. I have just been sick. But you already knew that. I really really miss Jay. Weather like this makes me miss him more, because this is couples weather. That kind of weather where all of a sudden couples are everywhere. Hugging, kissing, sharing jumpers and warm drinks. I hate couples weather. Especially when my man is so far away.
But it's not long now and I get to see him. Two weeks and one day, actually.


I reckon I should vlog my head sickness.
I might actually be funny then.

Head sick

I am rather head sick.
Head sick is bad because I go a little bit crazy.
But not the regular kind of crazy.
The crazy that people call "Loopy".
Doesn't that happen to you?
No? No. Okay then.

I was thinking that having a vlog would be pretty awesome.
But then I realised that I am not funny. That kind of makes it hard to vlog.
At least make an interesting vlog.

so yes. When I get head sick I tend to ramble.
And be hyper.
I do that a lot anyway. But it's worse when I am sick.
Also, that is why I am hitting enter a lot.
I like to hit enter.
It's fun.
And fulfilling.


Everyone is really loud.
LOUD NOISES!!


Hmm. So how are you? I am well.

Oh yeah, and to my imaginary Uzbekistani reader, HELLO!!

I don't know how to spell this, but in phonetic English: Ya boti bas mater.


Hmm. I am awfully tired.

I think that class starts soon, so I should probably depart.
Toodle-oo!


P.S. Interesting fact: "boti" is the only word in the phrase "Ya boti pas mater" that gets the red squiggly line underneath it.
Just so you know.

I love you

"I love you".
Three little words that can be so difficult.
You see, most people have trouble saying these words. 
I, on the other hand, am an I love you whore.
I don't understand other people's relationships. I don't know why they worry. Why they're vague and reserved. The "taking it slow" thing is so foreign to me it's not even funny. I have always been full speed ahead. Blunt and straight forward. If I like you, I will tell you. A lot. Sometimes I want to know what it's like to be in that kind of situation, but then I realise that I enjoy being the way I am.
I am, however, realising that my straightforward, blunt, approach to life is rare and often confusing to other people. I think that it makes it slightly more enticing, though.


I have been suffering insomnia for quite some time now. It is unpleasant. Last night I also developed a slight depersonalisation. Now that hasn't happened in quite some time. It is almost disturbing, however I am fairly unemotional right now.


I want to write a good blog for you. I want to amaze you as you have amazed me. I want to let you into my mind and my heart. I want to open up my soul and write down everything inside, so you can peruse my inner workings. I want to be open and honest with you. I want to let you in.
I think I have.


So here I am. Loving you. Lonely.

Men

I find it odd that I am generally more at ease around men. I can feel more comfortable, open and safe as myself. I don't understand why this is so, but it is. It can cause difficulties, however, as some men interpret my ease as flirtation and my honesty as promiscuity. This is not at all who I mean to be.

I made a decision today. I decided to be better at communicating with women. I decided that I shall no longer let sleazy, 2-dimensional boys surround me.
The non-sleazy 3 dimensional boys are allowed to stay.

100

This will be my one-hundreth post. That's vaguely exciting. I feel as though I should make this blog interesting. A kind of celebration of my 100th post. However, I am far too lazy to do so. Go procrastination!

My breasts are large. My waist is small. My hips are childbearing. My hair is average length.

And that is me.


I am not quite sure what I intend to write today, but I figured it had been a while since I have updated and someone, somewhere, might be counting on my blog to give them some sort of life force.
However, that is unlikely.


And I rock.



I don't ahve much to do right now. It is a week full of SACs, but I am not one for study at the best of times. Let alone with how I am now.

I haven't been sleeping recently. I am lucky to get to sleep by one in the morning, and to sleep until my alarm goes off is incredibly rare.