I don't know what the fuck I've done or why you act like this, but honestly its starting to piss me off. I'm sick of being sad when you get grumpy

Still, I wish I had someone to talk to. About everything.

Diet

I got myself some diet pills.
I put on weight while mum and tiff were here and it makes me feel disgusting. I shouldn't have eaten so much crap. And I barely exercised. I am disappointed in myself for my lack of will power. Hopefully these diet pills will help me not eat so much shit. I am trying very hard to make myself look good and fucked if I won't get where I want to be.

Hmmm

Sometimes I find it very hard to deal with your moods. Especially if I can't just hide and cry somewhere. I know you don't want to, but I do things for you when I really don't want to. At least she's not sleeping on our bedroom floor. I just wish you'd understand.

Something

Something inside me hopes that you never remember this place, because I don't want you to think less of me. In the other hand, I want you to see I am being honest with you. I hope one day you will trust me wholly again. I am so ashamed of what I did.

I'm not losing enough weight. I got asked if I am starving myself the other day. I wish I was. Then I'd be thin enough for you. I want to be your perfect person. I am working hard to get there.

I can't sleep properly. I keep having strange dreams.

I hope

I hope you realise that I have changed my life for you. I have changed everything about me for you. I will continue to change for you. You are all I have and all I want. I will do anything it takes to keep you.

Regrets

I wish I hadn't done that. Maybe then you wouldn't be so unsure. Maybe then you would want to do the things I want from us. I hate myself everyday. Sometimes I get mad and wonder why you can't forgive me like I did you, but I forget how long it took for me to be okay. It's o ly recently that the thought of it hasn't made me physically ill. I need to remind myself that what I did was worse, so you will need more time.
I guess I find it hard because I know I am being good so I don't always get why you don't see that I am trying really hard.
I want you to acknowledge how hard I try.

Oh shi-

I just came to a terrible conclusion.
I
Am
Depressed.

Which of course is nothing new. But I haven't taken my meds in a very long time and I though I had been doing so well! But instead, I'm not even getting out of bed. That is not normal, louie. For fucks sake how do I not realise these things?

I know

I know for sure that you are my one. You're the one I will grow old with. And if you die first i'll go insane and carry wildlife around in a supermarket trolley. You make me feel happy and alive more than any amount of medication or therapy. You are it. All I want is you. You are like the smelly ink in a pen. The pen is still handy without you, but you make it so much better. I know you won't read this. I'm sure you've forgotten this blog exists, but that's okay. I love you and that's all you need to know.

Sometimes

Sometimes it sucks.
Mostly when he doesn't want to be near me.
I wish I could fix it.
Fuck me, right?
Stupid slut.
Fuck I'm a dickface.
Out and out dickface.
Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

Heh

Can't go home for Christmas. Apparently it's in my contract that I can't get any time off during January and December. That's fucked. I don't know what I am going to do. There is no way I can just miss Christmas every year. I'm not ready for that. I'm not ready at all. I love my family and I want to spend time with them. I know that, because I am not religious some people don't see why it means so much to me, but Christmas isn't about religion to me, it's about spending time with the people you love. And besides, Jesus wasn't even born in December. When Christianity started they just stole the pagan holidays so the transition wouldn't be so difficult to get used to. Easter used to be about the new harvest and life. Hence the chickens and eggs. It is certainly not a representation of Jesus's blood on rocks. Not only is that gruesome, but people back then weren't as metaphorical as we are now.

But that's not the point. The point is that I am pissed off at my work. So bad.

App lolwat?

So I downloaded an application for my fucking fantastic HTC desire hd in the hopes that it would encourage me to write more in this blog. I don't know if that will legit happen, but the app was free so whatever.

So yeah. Life is good. I have lost weight which makes me feel heaps good. I'm a size ten again, thank fuck. I miss Victoria though. All my friends and shit. I've been a terrible friend though. I haven't kept in contact with anyone. I don't even have Dave's number. I messages him ages ago on Facebook asking for it, but I never got a reply. He probably hates me.

I did have a bit of a break down for a while there. I just didn't want to move or live or anything. I think I am better now though.

Yeah I guess there isn't much else to say. I am just bored. Waiting for it to be time to go to work. Blah.

What is up

What the hell is with my generation? Everyone is getting married and knocked up and they're not even 18!! Well, some of them are, but they are still awfully young. And the reasons they are getting married are just insane! One girl cheated on her boyfriend so to prove that she was serious about the relationship is serious they're getting married, another is getting married for the army benefits! It's just beyond me how they can treat this so lightly. I know I am big on getting married, but I'm not gonna do it just to try and hold together a failing love.

And does my generation not know what a freaking condom is?! Seriously. Everyone is pregnant or have already given birth. All unplanned. It's fucked up. I just can't understand how people are treating all this lightly!! I mean, they realise they aren't ready for kids, and they can't really afford to raise the child, but they go ahead and have it anyway. It really makes me so damn furious

Ugh!!!

This cyclone is driving me insane. It's not big enough to be dangerous and fun, but it's too big for me to go out and do shit. So I have eaten a shitload.

Today I ate:

Half a bag of chips
Two pieces of pizza
Two mouth fulls of stir-fry (that shit was so sweet I couldn't eat it)
Two vegemite sandwiches with real butter (delicious, but fatty)

And I still want to eat more. It's disgusting. I can feel the fat just growing on me, the food rotting in me. It honestly makes me sick. If I could throw up, I would. Unfortunately I have been graced with a severe lack of a gag reflex.

My house mate has some caffeine pills. He doesn't want them so I am gonna try and use them as appetite suppressants. But I can't take too many because if I don't sleep at night, Jay will get weird.

This cyclone has actually made it a but chilly here. It's kinda nice actually. I don't have a lot of warm clothes here though.


I seriously can't get over how much food is in my right now. I found some wicked thinspo today. But still I ate. This sucks.

Damn

I know I wasn't going to do this, but I was looking at hair and stuff and here I am. Today is only coloured hair!

Terrible week.

I am having a truly terrible week this week. Not only has my broken psyche started to manifest itself into physical sickness, but it has become the ruler of my world. No one is trustworthy. Everyone is against me.

Weddings

Weddings are so freaking hard if you're not the one getting married. Being a bridesmaid is just so difficult, even from the other side of the country. I just feel like I am making lots of trouble, but I can't help that I have big feet and am allergic to gold. I really am not in the right state of mind.

All grown up

Moving out from home has made me realise a few things. That it is damn hard to find a job, toilet paper is incredibly expensive and living with people isn't the same as living with family.

I, very naively, thought that moving out with some of my friends would mean we'd all share dinners and tell each other what we're doing, maybe even have breakfast together sometimes. This is not the case. In fact, it's not even close. I have had to substitute healthy, yummy, group dinners at 6pm every night, for cheap cardboard-tasting singular meals just before bed. As for letting people know what's going on in my life, that would apparently make me clingy and strange, instead I am expected to just go along doing what I do without really talking about anything. Unless I have to leave the house, then sometimes I should say goodbye. As for the good old Sunday breakfast, with hash browns, baked beans, bacon, eggs, fried tomatoes and mushrooms and damn near anything else covered in fat, well that has become a distant memory. Its substitute, occasional bowls of cereal and soggy toast.

All these seemingly insignificant things that I took for granted, are what I know yearn for. Being able to leave a cup in the sink once in a while, only having to clean the kitchen when my grandparents were coming over, being able to blame my mess on my siblings, all these things are what makes living with you family so much nicer than just living with people you know.

What I miss the most though, of everything about living at home, is just knowing that no matter what you have an entire household full of people willing to drop everything to help you out when you need it, no matter what. When you live with friends, you know they're willing to help, but not always unconditionally. Of course, there are always some things that you can't really ask your friends to do, as well. Although they'd be willing, it would be awkward to ask your friends to help you with homework, or to look after you when you're ill.

Moving out makes you realise that, as grown up as you thought you were, you're not half way there yet. It also makes you truly appreciate everything your family did for you while you were at home, especially all the times someone else did your washing for you.

It's killing me

It kills me to know that she is here. That I saw her and didn't even realise. I am furious and terrified and heartbroken all at once. I spent all last night crying. I am upset. Very upset. I am paranoid. What if Keaton invites her over? What if what if what if! I don't know what to do. I am barely able to breathe. I have to remind myself to smile. My heart feels like it's only beating on the odd occasion. He wasn't around for the initial hurt. He doesn't realise how bad it is for her to be here, or how much it broke my heart and spirit when I found out.

Gosh

I am still losing weight, woopwoop! Shame about my knees. They're not getting better. =(

Dave deleted his blogspot. I miss Dave. Lots.

One day

One day I will be someone's thinspiration. Some one will see me and think "damn I wanna be like that". One day I will be on videos, blogs and websites everywhere with the caption "this is beauty".

All that is wonderful

When i am too old to wear the clothes I wear, I will be a rockabilly chick. They are beautiful! So here we go, lots of photos of rockabilly chicks.

Concern

My friend messaged me today. He read my last blog. He'll probably read this one. His concern made me feel better about myself and everything. And for you, Daffy Duck (I don't think that's gonna last either), I ate more today. I ate lemon chicken with fried rice, three satay chicken kebabs and a tin of tiny taters. I still didn't snack though, sorry.

Damn it I am CRAVING Froot Loops!!


Jay was acting weird all day. He admits he was feeling odd. He didn't eat much, and he gets weird when he doesn't eat enough. He has been texting Mrs Slut Face, too. But he's honest about it. Today he was hiding his phone from me though. It's scary. I don't like being in Darwin. I don't like it because he ran away here to get away from me. He ran here to fuck up everything.

But I trust him. I am just paranoid.



My knee is fucked. I don't think I can jog anymore. Not for a while. I am going to have to find something else to do. I can't just sit around. I can't get fatter. God no.


No pictures of wonderfully thin girls. Just for you, Davino!

Hello hello

I just went through and cleaned up my facebook contacts. Not as much as I should have, really, but it's much better now than it was before. Only a stupid 191 friends instead of whatever the fuck it was before.

I haven't eaten yet! Go me! I have a new rule. I can't eat before 11.30 but I have to try and wait until it's 12 and then I am allowed something small. Then I can't eat again until dinner. It's pretty much what I was doing before, but now I have made it a rule so it's better =D

Decided I'd post some scenespo now. Sorry if there are any re-posts. Obviously they're just that good I needed to use them twice.

Ugh

I am so bored right now. Luckily I haven't eaten much today though!! Still, I have been eating really badly lately, and far too much. This girl I know didn't eat for so long she got faint and light headed. I have never been that bad. A guy I once knew passed out in drama class because he'd thrown up so many of his meals. I feel sorry for these people, but also strangely jealous. I don't want to be, but I am.

I looked up more skinny scene girls today, found some amazing photos! I can't be bothered posting them here though, it takes too long.




You know what sucks? When that fucking bitch talks to Jay. And you know what, he talks to her too. When he's bored and he thinks I will still be asleep. Not because he's hiding it, he told me straight out, but because he doesn't want to wake me up. It still shits me though.

Ugh

My jog today burned a total of...

Wait for it...


23 calories.

how fucking pathetic is that? I can't loose weight if I am only burning 23 fucking calories a day. Seriously, that's fucked up.

I am going to be so bored today. Which will suck because I'll probably eat too much.

I'm sure I'll be back here later

Neglect

I know, I haven't posted in a very very long time. Honestly, it's just because I am lazy. No one reads this anyway.

I have returned for a couple of reasons. One is because I missed this. Another is because I desperately want to document what I am doing. I want to document everything that is happening to me.

I just moved out of my parent's house with Jay. We moved up to Darwin. It's hot, humid and sticky. I like it though. I miss all my friends down south, but I am surviving here. I kinda wish I wasn't though.

I am trying to loose weight. I put on weight when I left school and am now a fatty. I am limiting my food intake and working out often. I have gotten into this "thinspiration" thing. I know it's a thing mostly associated with anorexia, but I can't possibly stop eating so you don't have to worry about that. What I would give to stop eating though! Then I would be thin, damn it. I found this one blog on Xanga that has really helped me want to be thinner. I will link to it later, It's seriously good! Some AMAZING photos!

For now, here is what I want to be.

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