Secrets

Everyone has secrets. Those who claim otherwise are liars.
There is a wonderful thing called Post Secret. Every week as I browse through the secrets of people countries away who I shall never meet I feel this sense of power. Belonging. Reading about other people's anguish seems to give me... I don't know. Some sort of sick pleasure.
However, it also makes me want to come clean. To tell the world all of my secrets. It makes me think; does everyone else feel the same? Does everyone else feel this desperate yearning to tell the world everything they have ever hidden?
So this is my media project. Entirely original? Perhaps not, but it shall certainly give me and many others the satisfaction of knowing that they are not alone. That secrets are something everyone keeps and they should never have to weigh you down.
I am making a film of secrets. Some big, some small, some funny, some sad. All the secrets of the world. I will encourage people to step forward and control their secrets, rather than let their secrets control them. Anonimity will be an option, of course. However, I would love people to come out with it all. Faces and all.

If I could tell everyone everything about me I would. Of course, that's not always possible. So my plan is to help everyone get a little bit of themselves out there.


This is the begginning. The first of many secrets.
I try to kill myself so that I can a) know I am real b) so that someone might catch me and care enough to save me.
There. It's horrible, but it's true.

So now it is time to get out there and share your secrets. No matter how embarrassing or horrible or immature you feel they are.

Sigh much?

Sitting around doing sweet eff all seems to be my favourite past-time. I seriously do not know why I even bother trying to interest myself. I always know I'll end up bored and blogging. Or reading FML. In this particular case, both. And since I have now read every FML on the site, I have absolutely nothing to do. I could always join the girlies in the fashion rooms, but I am SO lazy. I really should man the fuck up and do shit. I think class starts soon anyway. I don't actually know, I made that up.

I imagine this will be a much shorter blog as I am really beyond words. Too much blogging has left me with a severe lack of things to say. I shall just sit, stare and sigh for that is all one can do in these situations. I just want to be at home, alone, listening to music and reading a good book. I want to be lonely. Yes, lonely. Not for too long, but for long enough to appreciate people again. Just a few hours. Not forever.




I realised the other day that I am not at all afraid of death. I will do what I can to prevent a premature demise, but I wouldn't stop someone who truly wanted me dead. I mean, I wouldn't want to be an inconvenience and I am sure if someone wanted me to die so badly that they would be willing to do it themselves that I would be rather obliging. At least I don't want to kill myself. That's a positive, right? Although, I think the main reason I don't want to kill myself is because I think it can be so selfish to do so. I don't want to be the cause of other people's pain. I don't want to start off some horrible chain reaction which ends with everybody killing themselves. That would be awful.

I do, however, miss cutting. God do I miss it! I would give damn near anything to feel like I used to, but it isn't the same anymore. It isn't as good. It used to be so amazing. It was perfect. I want t feel like that again. I want to be in control. I want it all back. But it will never be the same. It has been too long. He would be too disappointed. There's hardly a point anymore. Still, I like to do secret ones. Just every now and then. The secret ones are exciting, because no one knows. It becomes my secret again and I love it. For the next few days afterwards I feel like I have all the control and that no one could possibly take that away from me. Unfortunately it does end. Even now the power doesn't last as long. It is horrible to admit, but it may not be as good for me as I feel it is. But what else am I meant to do? I can't get drunk every night. Drugs are too expensive and hard to get to. What else is there? Sex? That's hardly worth it anymore. The only way I can control things is through pain. And that's what I have done and will always do.


Wow. That was a bit unnecessary, Louie. Just calm down for a minute why don't you? That's a good girl. Deep breaths, darling. There, see? Much better.


I am dizzy and unable to properly focus. Awesome.

Suck it up, Louie.

A List Of Happy.

• Love
• Jay
• The ability to forgive
• Never forgetting
• Friends
• Joy
• Secrets
• Being the keeper of said secrets
• Medication
• Bus rides
• Long drives to nowhere
• Intelligence
• Individuality
• The inability to motionless
• Cravings
• Pain
• Music
• Creating soundtracks to my life
• Feeling complete
• Pretending I have curly hair
• Phoenix
• Bade
• Elena
• Juliette
• Crying after everyone's asleep
• Finding my soul
• School
• Rain
• Thunder
• Contentedness
• Atheism
  
• Paganism
• Nature
• Synthetics
• Children
• Never thinking about the future
• Considering and then choosing to ignore all consequences of my actions
• Hunger pains
• Binge drinking
• Alcohol
• Sex
• Women
• Men
• Masturbation
• Orgasms
• Life
• Living as myself
• Big shoes
• Vandalism
• Arguments
• Backstabbing
• Secret workouts
• Brushing my teeth
• Giving head
• Making boys cum
• Turning on randoms
• Being highly sexualised
• Flirting on the train
• Still being faithful
• Beliefs
• Anti-jokes
• The elephant in the room
• Knowledge
• Midnight
• Dawn
• Birds
• Mud
• Purple
• Smiles
• Sexual fantasies
• Violent fantasies
• Childhood fantasies
• Marriage fantasies
• All fantasies
• Dependance
  
• Interest
• Honesty
• Risks
• Strength
• Willpower
• Being a fairy
• Sleep deprivation
• Painting my nails
• Hiding
• Small spaces
• The dark
• Blogging
• Knowing that content doesn't matter, as it will never be spoken of
• Being excellent
• Partying
• Walking the streets at night
• Neglect
• Being submissive
• Assertiveness
• Never being entirely open
• Being deceptive
• 
  

I intend to blog often.

Yes, I do intend to blog often. Caitlin's sudden blogging escapades have inspired me to do so more often. Hello Caitlin!
Also, Elen has joined in. Hello Elen!


Yes, I am not really sure what to blog about, as per usual. What kind of blog would this be if I thought of interesting topics and well written paragraphs. Well, the obvious answer is an interesting blog, but that's not what I am here for so screw it. If you want something more than that you should probably have picked a better blog to read.

So I am in rather an odd mood. I did remember my meds, however, so I am unsure as to why I am so strange today. It is most probably the weather. It is awfully humid and rather hot.

I have decided what I shall be doing for fashion textiles next year. Yay! Now I just have to worry about media. I am totally screwed as I am far too boring to think of something worthwhile. I would love to do a documentary, but I don't know what on so that's pretty much out of the question.





Caitlin is reading out FML to Elen and I. I quite like it as it means I don't have to swap between pages to get a laugh.


So yes, I do believe this is the least interesting blog I have ever written. Go me!

I just got excited by the friction caused by me rubbing glue off my fingers. I am so fucking lame.









That's a big space. I do like spaces, they help sort out my random brain thoughts into convenient paragraphs. If only I were able to do that within my own brain. That would surely make therapy a whole lot easier. Perhaps I wouldn't even need therapy. How amazing would that be! Maybe that is the key to normality, the ability to organise all the random thoughts that speed through your brain into little boxes all labeled and put in alphabetical order. I must work on building this skill.


It is awfully dark right now. I do believe it's going to rain. Lovely. I love it when it rains. Especially a storm, and I do believe it will be a storm.

Caitlin just said "The truth is out there... It's in my pants." and then touched some icky gum. Go you, Caitlin! You're officially deluded and covered in icky hepatitis spit.

And once again I have been stuck staring at the screen. I did, however, comment on Caitlin's blog first so now she cannot complain that I have been wasting my time.


Actually, speaking of comments. Caitlin asked me what is holding me back, why I'm not telling everyone what I think. The simple answer: I am pussy shit. Absolutely positively terrified that things will go back to the way they used to be. I simply cannot handle being alone again.  Despite my strong and fair sized friendship group, I am still terrified. That's how it goes. I am crazy, paranoid and absolutely bonkers. Perhaps in reading this blog you will realise just how insane I am.


"The heavens just opened up". Oh Elen, how right you are. There indeed has been a storm.


Jesus christ Caitlin, Quit reading my fucking blog before I post it! Yes, Caitlin, you. Stop reading it!!





You guys wanna know a secret? TOO BAD!! Mmhhhmmm. I did that.



I do believe I should stop blogging at some point. Lunch is fastly approaching and I intend to catch Elly at her class before she walks all the way to the jizzy.

I have sat here for fifteen minutes staring at the screen thinking "Is my life seriously so boring that I can't even think of something good to write on my blog that no one reads ond no one ever will?"

The answer: "Yes".

You know what I really hate at the moment? Damn near everything.I don't know why I am so pissed off at the world, but I am. Maybe it has something to do with all my friends hating my boyfriend even though he still makes me happy and I am totally over what happened. I don't care anymore, it doesn't involve you, why the fuck aren't you happy that I am happy? I mean, yeah you told me you love me, but everyone knew nothing would ever happen. Yes, he did the wrong thing, but he's working damn hard to fix it. So why the looks and the comments and the general bitchiness? What did he do to you? Nothing. Stop being selfish. There's standing up for me, and then there's making my life hard. It's fucking impossible to make everyone happy when you're all being unreasonable. That's you too, Jay. I know they're being bitchy but you're not making much of an effort here.

Fuck it. Why don't I just tell everyone this?


Yes, I did just spend another 15 minutes staring at the computer screen. I am such a sad sack.

And there goes another ten minutes of my time. What the hell is wrong with me? I have frees first thing in the morning so I get up EARLIER than usual and sit on the computer sighing the whole time. Fuck this right off.

I am so tired. i think I just fell asleep for a while there.



You know what I wish I could do? Write something meaningful and insightful on this piece of shit blog. Maybe the swearing prevents me from doing so. Fucked if I'll stop though.



So I am thinking of doing a documentary type thing for media this year. Like those freaking myspace show, but more awesome. I dunno though, it might be hard. Or boring. Probably both.I don't know what else to do, though. I have too many options and it's getting me confused.

Also, I have no fucking idea what I'm going to do for fashion this year, either. I want to do something spectacular, but I don't have good enough ideas. I would love to have something I can wear everyday. Maybe I won't be able to do that and I should just create an art piece or something.


Anyway, I have now wasted my entire free. Good job, Louie! Maybe someone will bother reading this one day.



By the way, HI Caitlin

I don't update enough.

I really don't. I guess it doesn't matter too much, but I would still enjoy this being a far more regular blog.

Things with Jay are going alright. He cheated on me. I'm not angry. I don't even care anymore. What bothers me i sthat he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me. He says he knows now, but it's still hard for me. I am far too paranoid for him to be saying shit like that. I shouldn't be so passive aggressive with him, but these days I can't help it. I really can be a horrible person sometimes. Bu th eknew all that when he got into this. I made everything very clear from the begginning, that way I don't end up with this sort of shit happening.

I don't think he realises how hard it is for me to be so open with him. He doesn't realise that I prepare every speech about my feelings weeks before I let him know. I can't just talk to people freely. I don't care if it seems like I do, I really don't. I can't say a damn word about how I feel without weeks of preparation. I have to write it all down. Sometimes I try and give people letters about how I feel, but even then I get scared and awkward. I don't like people knowing everything about me.

Actaully, a lot of the stuff on here is awfully toned down. I dunno, I guess I am crazy like that.




I really need to grow up. I am sick of being such a fucking kid.



I am so bored right now. Sitting alone in the MMC at school. I don't have frees with anyone I know. I am going to get a lot of work done this year, apparently. Either that or I will get totally depressed. Hell, probably both.





I don't know why I bother with this.

How are you?

So how long has it been now?
They did end up putting me on medication.
I guess it's working out alright.
It would probably be better if I actually took them.

Depression = shit.
People too.
But mostly depression.

And anxiety.
Which I apparently suffer from pretty badly.
Did you notice?
I sure didn't.
The doctor did though.
So I had cognitive behavioural therapy.
I don't think it worked.


Heath got me all confused for a while there.
I wasn't sure if he hated me or not.
But apparently he doesn't.
He does hate my meds though.
Which almost made me want to stop taking them all together.
But I can't do that.



I did manage to cut myself again a little while ago.
Pretty awesome, hey?
One day I will learn to live without it.
I was doing so well.
I broke down.
I guess it's better than what I was going to do.
Having a bunch of pills that could easily kill you
In your bag
with no one checking how much you use
is awfully tempting.
But I have been a good girl.
So far.

Jay and I are still in love.
Well, I am still in love.
Sometimes I get scared he's not.
That's just because of dickhead.
I had to speak to him
To find out how to catch the bus.
And he ended up telling me Jay had been talking about cheating on me
The whole time we've been dating.
That he HAD tried to get with Brooke.
And that he had once idolised Jay and didn't understand how someone could do what Jay apparently did.
Hew cried.
I cried.
But I was happy he was crying.
It meant he felt pain.
Which is good.
Even though it's not even close to what he made me feel.
What I felt that first time
When he told me that Jay had said those horrible things
About Canada and Holly.
I fucking died.
Not in my usual melodramatic teenager way.
I mean I couldn't breathe.
I couldn't speak.
I didn't understand what was going on
Or where I was.
I could barely stand.
I don't know if anyone else has ever felt that pain.
But Jason never will.
He will never know what it is like,
but he felt it was his right to teach me.


I am alone right now.
At Vivky's house.
Hi vicky.
Sorry for infecting your house with my horrible bad moods.
I know you understand.




I felt incredibly alone this morning.
And Jay hadn't even left.
I don't know why,
but I felt like if he left this morning,
I would never see him again.
I know it's not true,
but it killed me all the same.







I am supposed to go into Melbourne
to hang with Matt.
But I don't know if I can anymore.
I mean, I want to,
but I am in such a crap mood I am thinking it might be better if I just sit here and cry.
I don't know.
I suppose I should get ready in case I decide to go.





I really think Jay is it.
I can't imagine being without him.
I can't imagine loving someone else.
He must be it.
Everything I ever wanted.
Even though he doesn't realise it.

Hey ho!

I am depressed.
And that's what they told me.
So now I will go and see some guy
And he'll give me pills
And that will fix everything.
Or so they say.
Who knows,
right?

fatty boombah

I AM DRUNK
But I am not supposed to be.
I stole mum's vodka.
Because I am cool like that.
And I am sad.
Everyone has left me alone.
I feel abandoned.
How lame am I?
Very.

So...

Yeah. Hey depression! How are you today? Hiding? Well, that's nice of you!

I feel better. He doesn't hate me. I like that. I love it.


Yeah. Thought I'd let you guys know that I'm not dead. At least I'm not a complete fucktard, hey?

Don't Leave Me!!

Please don't leave me. I will do anything. Anything at all. Just don't go. PLEASE DON'T GO! I need you. I love you. There is no one as perfect as you. Without you I am nothing. Please stay. Don't leave me alone. I don't know what to do without you. I can't live. PLEASE!! Don't run away. You're everything to me. You're my life. You're my soul. My hear is in your hands, don't let it go. Don't tear it apart. Keep it safe. Love it. LOVE ME!!





I am sorry.

I hate you.

Life's not worth living.
Not without him.
So come and save me.
Tell me what's right.
Because without it I am lost.
Without him I am no one.














There's no way to explain what I feel right now. No words to describe it.
I am empty.
Lost.
Lonely.
Sad.
Crying.
Dead.

Don't think I care anymore. I don't. I don't care about anything. Not while he hates me.

I still suck

I can't stop crying. How lame is that? Fuck me I am a dick head. I want to kill myself. I don't want anyone to feel like this. I don't want to move. I don't see the point. PLease help me. PLease. I don't know what to do. I am frantic. There are too many thoughts. What if Jay leaves me? What if he doens't actually stay at Ben's and he stays at Gabby's? What if she likes him? What if anyone else likes him? I'm not good enough to keep him around. I cna't stop thinking. I need help. Why won't you help? No one helps. PLease help. I am scared. I don't want to be alone. I don't want him to hate me. I want to cut. But I don't want to dissapoint Jay. Fuck shit crap cunt. What do I do? help me! PLEASE GOD HELP ME!!

Vutty mc cut cut

Yeah. I suck.
I didn't cut. I am a good girl.
There is a girl I know.
Her name is Brooke.
She got dumped by text.
She cut her arms up pretty good.
WEll, by pretty good
I mean shit.
They weren't proper cuts.
Just enough to bleed.
But it made me want to go back.
Everytime I saw them I couldn't help but stare.
I wanted that.
I wanted the blood
The pain
The beautiful numbness.
I miss it.
I miss it so much.
I wish I didn't.
I wish I was better than this.
But I'm not
And I want it.

Not only that
I want to be able to do what she did.
Not care.
I mean, she wore a jumper,
but it was small
and she didn't care who saw them.
Attention seeking, perhaps,
but I was jealous.
I wanted to be that.
I wanted to be her.
I wanted to cut myself open
and let the world see.
Not for attention,
but so that I don't have to be ashamed.
One day I will be able to wear shorts.
I'll go in the pool without boardies.
I will be free.
Free and happy.

Shut up.

I suck.
I am depressed.
I do not care to do anything about it.
So shut up and fuck off.
Because I'm not worth it.

Blah

Yeah, I'm back.
Apparently I can't even kill myself.
Pretty sad, huh?
You'll get over it.
I probably won't.

So I feel like shit.
No surprise.
What do you want me to say?
I am beyond hope?
I just want to go back.


No matter how happy I seem,
I am not.
Do not be fooled.
For inside my heart is crying.
Don't try to help me.
You'll only end up the same.
So fuck it.
Fuck this.

Fuck off.

I feel like shit.
I am shit.
I want to die.
I really do.
But
(there is always a but)
I don't want to hurt anyone.
Because I know what it feels like
That's why I want to die.
I don't want to kill myself
Just to have someone else do it.
Because I know Jay cares
and even if he's the only I would make sad
by killing myself
That'd be worse than what I have to go through now.
So now I am stuck here.
I have to live through all this
all over again.
You have no idea.
I don't care who you are.
There is no way you could possibly know how I feel.
I mean, what could have happened to you to make you feel shit?
Try multiplying that by your lifetime.
And then adding the inability to communicate.
And maybe you'll have some understanding.
I mean, you may feel shit.
You may have some problem.
But right now I am selfish.
So fuck you.



You know what's worse?
I am too pathetic to even die.
I just hang around
bothering everyone else
for the sake of the person who I love.
The person who has saved me
more than he should have to.





I hate this.
I hate feeling like this.
I hate being this way.














My GOD!
Why do I suck so much?














You know what?
I think I might do it.
I don't know what you guys will do.
But I might just stop being a pussy
and do it.











I'll get those pills.
I don't care about cliche.
I'll swallow them all
I'll lie down
and be peaceful.
Forever.

Fuck off.

I feel like shit.
I am shit.
Shut the fuck up.


I hate this. I hate me. I hate it all.


Fuck off.


I need to swear to make myself feel better.


I'm agressive.
That way I won't be sad.

This sucks.
It's shit.
Fucking cunty mc shit fuck.












I hate this.

YAY

I am a shitfaceddickheadcuntbitchstupididiot.
Yep. It's a mouthful.
You know, I am lucky I am not dead.
Pretty cool, hey?
I mean, I get to be alive,
Just to put up with all my stupid ideas
and feelings
and being treated like shit.
It's great, don't you think?
Who would want to be dead when they could live like this?
Unmotivated.
Useless.
Angry.
Sad.
Stupid.
It's the perfect life.
The kind of life people fantasise about.
I am so lucky.






















I hate myself.

Golden.

So I don't really know what to write, again.
I have been sad. Incredibly so.
I suppose that's nothing special.
One of my poems is loved. I like it.
The love, not the poem.
http://i-want-your-skull.deviantart.com/art/Scared-112517435
That's the poem. Pretty funky hey?


So that's what has people talking. I guess that's about it.
I am so stuck for things to write. I am not happy enough.

Feelings...

Yeah. Went to school today. It was good. I wish I had gone yesterday. I love school.



I think I have done that thing where I make friends with knobs again. I have been talking to a guy called Jarrod (Jarryd, Jaryd, Jarod, who knows?), but he doesn't seem to want to talk to me.



----------------------


Okay so that yesterday. My theory is still correct. That's okay. I thought he was cool, but apparently not.



Today was average. Mum has decided to turn into mega bitch again. Just as she started getting somewhere close to almost okay.

I don't really know what to write. I am pissed off and sad. Nothing new, hey?



Golden-- Fall Out Boy. Awesome.


Lots of songs are awesome right now. I think it is a good sign.



I should leave. I don't know what ot write.

I'm back. Because I suck.

I just realised that I am better.
I am not half as sad as I used to be.
I eat.
I sleep.
I talk.
I see people.
I smile.
So many things are better.
I am lucky.







And yet I still feel strangely emtpy.

Neglectful... again.

Okay. I know I suck. I haven't updated in god knows how long.
Naturally it doesn't matter.
And the only reason I am updating is because my friend asked for the link.
It may have been a bad idea, but I gave it to her.
Hi Vicky!
I don't mean this to sound like I don't trust you, by the way. Like I said, it's extremely personal.

So I don't really know what to write. Fires are going around, but I am safe. I don't care if you want more detail because I don't want to give it to you.


I am at BSSC. It's cool.

Neglectful

I know I have neglected this blog a fair bit recently. I have been updating my deviantart for those of you who want to know more about me.

I have been incredibly sad, so I tried a new method of fixing myself. I just pretended I was fine. I aced happy and ignored the sad. Ubfortunately I have now got a sadness lurking inside me. I can feel it in the back of my heart and mind. I hate this more than my sadness. So now I am stuck again.

I want to write about what I feel, but there are no words for it.

My hair is purple.
Not all over.


I don't know why I am here.
I guess I just hope he will read it and know that I am sorry.

Blogging under the influence

I'm pissed, can you tell?

If my writing is shit that's why.

I like vodka. It tastes nice.

and makes me feel good.

I don't know what to write, but I wanted to. Now I am stuck here thinking of things to say. It's hard because I am pissed and being pissed screws with your head.

I am going to regret this blog, I am sure. What with the poor english and the horrible honesty.

I'm off to get another drink.

Okay. So I am now so drunk my teeth are numb. Sounds weird, but there you go.

I miss Matt adn the way we used to talk. Although tonight s good, it used to be constant and that rocked.

I love Jay lots, but I don't want him to leave me. I think he will because we're not like other couples. We aren't constantly near each other and we don't base everything on our sex lives. I am sad that we're not, but I think he likes it. I don't want him to know how insecure I am.

RAH!!! I AM A LION!!!!

Holiday

My family is on holiday in Sydney, so I am home alone for ten days. HECK YES! Party much?

Not a whole lot has been happening. My mood is up and down so bad that I don't even know who I am half the time. That's awesome.

I don't really know. Just letting you know I'm alive.

Blogger

I have officially become a blogger. It makes me sad that my notebooks lie there on my desk neglected while this internet sensation is getting unwanted attention. I just don't write things down as much anymore, which leads me to have many mixed feelings about a lot of things. I used writing to sort myself out and now I am stuck here, writing to no one, complaining that I have become part of the electronic revolution.

By the way, Happy New Year.

My camera broke. The zoom is fucked and now it won't take photos. That also makes me sad.


I don't really know what to write here anymore, as I don't know anyone who reads this. If I knew someone who read this then I would probably write more often and possibly more interesting things for them. Please make yourself known, mystery readers!!

Ever since Rohan killed himself, I've had dreams of people commiting suicide. All my friends. The people who I care about. I don't know what all this means, but I realised that the majority of my friends have probably tried to, or at the very least got close to doing it.
I want to help them all, but I don't know what to do.



Ashlee doesn't like me anymore. Not the same way she used to. She's best friends with Bec now. I know I shouldn't really care, but she was my first real friend in a long time and now I feel like she's ditched me. Ditched me for another even more competitively fucked up girl. I feel like running at Bec and screaming "GET YOUR HANDS OFF HER! SHE WAS MY FRIEND FIRST!!"
That would be a little too crazy, though.
I am left to hope that Ashlee will at least stay my friend, and maybe start hating Bec. Fingers crossed.

Anyway, I honestly have nothing else.

Much love,
Louie