Anger.

My gosh am I pissed off.

Apparently my photos aren't as good as Kat's.
Apparently my photos arent "professional" enough.
But Kat's are.
And who would have said this, but Kat's boyfriend.

I was at Broken Instinkt's practice (as usual) and at the end they were talking about the myspace. Jay said he wanted the photos back up. Tom said he only wanted professional ones. Everyone made the point that it can be expensive. We started going through people we know who would take cheap photos.
I suggested Kat.
Not Tom's girlfriend. My friend from group.
You know what Tom says?
"OH YEAH! Kat's an AWESOME photographer. Her photos are amazing" and so on.
I mentioned that it wasn't the same KAt.
He kept talking about hers.
But mine weren't good enough.

HER PHOTOS ARE THE SAME AS MINE!
Only her's are in sepia.
SEPIA!
EVERYTHING LOOKS GOOD IN SEPIA>

That is what pisses me off.
Tom is always right.
Tom always knows best.
Tom' girlfriend is better.

I cried.
I don't cry.


I tried really hard for those photos. I did the best I oculd. I was proud of them. I was proud that the whole world would see them! That they would be associated with the band.
Instead, Kat will get that pleasure.
I am sad.
And angry.








Today some stuff came up about my childhood. About the poverty. The things I saw. It broke me. It tore me apart.

I did my best to ignore those things. But now I see.

"One day I will see.
I will not want to,
But it must happen"

Who would have known that I could predict the future?

It has hurt. I want to crawl into a ball and cry. I want Jay to be there to hold me. He wants to stay at Ben's. I couldn't say no. Jay doesn't know what happened.

Please save me.
I can't do this anymore.

Crushing Depression. YAY!

I feel like shit. Not too surprising, is it? I don't know what's wrong with me. I try so hard to be happy. I do everything I can to make sure that people think I am happy. I try to make Jay happy. I spend all my time making happiness but it just doesn't work. I am shit. I feel like shit.

I want to make this all end. I wish that I was able to make this all go away. I want some form of magic potion that makes this whole living thing a lot better. I want to make me feel good.

I don't really know why I am writing this down for the whole world to see. I can only imagine the ammount of times some random has stubbled across my blog and thought "Woah! That girl is WAY too fucked up for me!"
That sucks.

I don't know why I am so pessamistic at the moment. I don't really know anything at the moment. I am just a big pile of uncertanty.

I'm more insecure now than I have been in ages. I don' t know why. I just feel like I'm not good enough or people are talking about me or people think badly about me. It's not fun.

Exams are soon. Tomorrow infact. YAY! I am going to fail maths and BusMan, but I think I will get the rest. I don't know. I am not really worrying about it, but I don't like this. I feel like the way I am right now is going to get in the way of my exams. I hope it doesn't, but i am just not motivated at all.

I want to cry, but my eyes won't do it. I want to curl up into a ball and hide for the rest of my life. I don't want anyone to look at me and know what's wrong. I want to hide from civilisation. I want to be alone forever. I want to stay away from everyone that knows what is wrong. I want everyone to believe that I am normal. I want to be like them.



I don't know why I am like this. Does anyone out there know? I would love any sort of hint as to why I am such a pessimistic whore.

I feel so numb. I hate this. I want to be able to feel things like normal people. DAMN IT I WANT TO BE FUCKING NORMAL!!!

Moody Bitch.

Yeah, that's right. I'm a moody cow.

A slut called Emma Penning decided it would be a good idea to hit my beautiful Elly yesterday. Big mistake that was. Not only did the stupid whore do it while I wasn't around, she did it with all her friends around while Elly only had Kat there to help her.
Emma has a significantly shorter life-expectancy since she did that. No one gets to hit Elly. She's my baby and I will kill anyone who even thinks of hurting her.

I also have been feeling rather violent and depressed lately.

It might be to do with the fact that Sam and Lily are happy together. I know it's stupid, but I hoped that it would end up being shit for them so I could rub it in their face. Oh well.

Maybe it's because there are so many of my friends feelign horrible and there is nothing I can do to help them.

I don't really know what's going through ym mind at the moment. I think I am just a tad insane at the moment. This whole thing is horribly similar to how I was when i was at Gisborne, which is not a good thing at all.

Yeah. Things are good for me right now.

Poems.

I just thought I'd post a few of my poems up here. You can get a fill taste of them at http://i-want-your-skull.deviantart.com

One Day

One day I will fly.
My wings have not grown yet,
but they will.

One day I will smile.
It may not be pretty,
but it will be mine.

One day I will love.
My heart will be open,
but theirs will be too.

One day I will cry.
It will not cure my saddness,
but it will help.

One day I will laugh.
The sound will be rough,
but my mind will be clear.

One day I will see.
It will scare me,
but it must happen.

One day I will live.
Happy, free and magical,
but always haunted.



Body Battle

My body is the battle
My mind is the war.
My soul is a horror
you have never seen before.



That's all I can be bothered with, really. I'm way too lazy to do anything too important and interesting.

So here I am. On my blog. Being a douche and depressing the nation.

I came close to cutting today. I'm glad I didn't, but at the same time I am sad because I want to feel that feeling again. I'm just being stupid, I know. I hate myself.



I am bored and sad and crazy. I hate this. I hate everything.

















I can't believe I am turning into this person again. Why can't I be normal? I want to be happy when I'm with my friends. I want to be able to eat without feeling guilty. I want to be able to go one day without thinking about cutting. I want ot go one week without thinking about suicide. I want to be able to go a day without Jay and not feel hollow.















Bade sucks.

Babysitting

My parents have gone away for the night. Although this is now the morning so i suppose they have gone away until lunch time...
Anyway, I'm babysitting the kids. Jay's in the shower. Which is a very nice thought.

I am watching an episode of the Simpsons that I haven't seen before. How weird is that?! I thought that was something impossible.

I don't know what I want to write. I just thought that I would write here. I suppose I just wanted to write anything.

I don't know what's wrong with me at the moment. I keep acting weird. Jay says it doesn't piss anyone off. It pisses me off a lot. My own mind annoys me! There's nothing I can do to get away from it. This is horrible! I don't know how I am supposed to deal with this. I can't remember how I did this before. I managed to deal with this before. I'm still alive. I haven't been like this for over a year. Jay stopped this happening. What happened to me? What changed? So many questions that no one can answer. This is shit. Utter shit.

I have no idea what I am doing here. God damn this impossible life!
Except Jay.
In the shower.
Yay!

Bored bored bored.
New Simpsons that isn't one I've seen before. It's pretty funny, actually.

I've run out of things to say.

Conjunctivitus

Yep. That's right. I have the dreaded conjunctivitus. It's awesome.
Not really. That was sarcasm. It sucks. i can barely look at anything it hurts so damn much. When I get conjunctivitus I get it bad. It sucks.

Jay is at Dougie's again. I wish he wasn't. I want him to spend all his time with me. I don't know. I'm going insane and I really need him, but I don't know if he understands. I don't know if anyone understands. I can't explain exactly what's happening to me, but it's not normal. My mind is going. It's not right. I don't know how to explain it. My mind has just started going nuts. It's telling me things that aren't true. It's making me see things. I don't know what's real and what's not anymore. I don't know if you can realise when you're going insane, but I think I am. I don't know what to do about this, either. I honestly don't know what's going on with me at the moment. I just wish I was normal.

Spastic hyperactive to the maximum.

Yeah. So I haven't been so good recently. Infact, I've been far from good. I have been beyond hyperactive.

Anyway, today I was hot. Very hot. Too hot. That combined with sickness has caused em to go insane. Last night I didn't even know where I was. I was talking nonsense to Jay and saying stupid things. In English I couldn't even si down I was so jittery. It's as if I have ADHD combined with dissociation and manic depression. It sucks the dick. Real bad.

So now I am at my friend's house, being far too quiet and starving myself because I can. I guess it's for that all important control I keep asking for.

I suppose there's nothing I can do about all this, is there? I am just stuck being a spastic little shit. Fun fun fun!! I don't know what I'm saying. Too many things are rushing through my mind. Too much is happening! Bade is coming back. I thought he was gone forever, but he's not. He's back. Am I that sad? Or is it something else? I don't know. I hate this.

i'm happy. I think. I assume this is happy. I really don't know what I feel at the moment. I just want to be back to normal. I want to sit in my room with Jay talking about all kinds of things. I want to hear him talk about my eyes. I love that. He says they change when I am sad. That they turn darker and get a black ring around them. I like that he notices thing slike that. I love Jay.

One of my teachers said I'd be a good teacher. She said that I would be able to control students because of my eyes. She says that brown eyes are normally warm and inviting but that I have the ability to make them cold and unwanting. I like that. I take it as a compliment, even if it's not.

I like it when people talk about my eyes. They're about the only thing I like about myself no matter what. When people notice them it makes me feel good.

Gosh. I should eat, but there's not really anything to eat. I suppose I can wait longer. I like the feeling. Makes me feel cool.


God. I am one big bag of crazy, aren't I? Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have no opinion and to rely on TV and "friends" for your style. To have othe rpeople decide what you like. I don't think I could ever be like that. It would be so strange. Too stiffling I suppose. I don't know how to describe it. I want to know what it's like to live in that kind of mindset, though.

If I could have anything, I would want a detachable penis. One that I could put on for all the fun things, but take off when I feel like being a woman with a vagina. then I could do things like swing my penis and hit it against my pants or have sex with a woman in the traditional sense. I want to know what it's all like. I want to know if I can pee without hands and make it go everywhere.
I suppose I'm just weird.

I don't really know what else to write, but I don't have anythign else to do. I guess it's back to rambling for me, hey? God that sucks I might just go and write again later if I feel like it.



Much love,
Louie

At school.

So here I am. At school. Worrying about my extremem lack of mental stability. I seem to be going a little but crazy. I can't calm down, like I have ADD or something. I can't concentrate. I can't remember things. I go crazy and then all of the sudden I want to cry. I don't know what's going on, but I haven't been like this for ages.

Fuck me I'm stupid.

So. Really long time no see.

I didn't have internet and then I couldn't be bothered. What can I say? I'm lazy.

So, what's been happening?

I had a boyfriend who I liked (Sam) who then cheated on me with my friend (Lily) so now I don't talk to either of them.
I now have a wonderful boyfriend named Jay. We've been goign out for a year and a few months now.


I need to keep saying why I love Jay. Because he's perfect.. Because he loves me. He hasn't dumped me. He hasn't cheated on me. He hasn't spread rumours about me. He's good looking. He's funny. He's smarter than he thinks. He's good at comforting me. He's good at being there for me. He is loyal, to me and his friends. He is amazingly good in bed. He cares about me. He does what he can to help me. He doesn't judge me. He makes me feel amazing. He doesn't hurt me. He never has. He thinks about me. he lets me fuss over him. He lets me love him.
Gosh. He really is amazing isn't he?


I don't really know what to write about. I didn't write in this for so long that I have lost the blogging touch.



I've been thinking about cutting again. I haven't done it, but god do I want to. It would be lovely. I seem to only remember the pretty of it. I only remember the beauty. The fantastic feeling I got. The amazing feeling of independance. Knowing that I don't need other people to validate my existence.Unfortunately I did need a multitude of sharp objects.

Now I feel down when people don't seem to be devoting every second of their life to me. I hate myself. God I suck.




Alright. This is the end. I'm hurting myself.