Spastic hyperactive to the maximum.

Yeah. So I haven't been so good recently. Infact, I've been far from good. I have been beyond hyperactive.

Anyway, today I was hot. Very hot. Too hot. That combined with sickness has caused em to go insane. Last night I didn't even know where I was. I was talking nonsense to Jay and saying stupid things. In English I couldn't even si down I was so jittery. It's as if I have ADHD combined with dissociation and manic depression. It sucks the dick. Real bad.

So now I am at my friend's house, being far too quiet and starving myself because I can. I guess it's for that all important control I keep asking for.

I suppose there's nothing I can do about all this, is there? I am just stuck being a spastic little shit. Fun fun fun!! I don't know what I'm saying. Too many things are rushing through my mind. Too much is happening! Bade is coming back. I thought he was gone forever, but he's not. He's back. Am I that sad? Or is it something else? I don't know. I hate this.

i'm happy. I think. I assume this is happy. I really don't know what I feel at the moment. I just want to be back to normal. I want to sit in my room with Jay talking about all kinds of things. I want to hear him talk about my eyes. I love that. He says they change when I am sad. That they turn darker and get a black ring around them. I like that he notices thing slike that. I love Jay.

One of my teachers said I'd be a good teacher. She said that I would be able to control students because of my eyes. She says that brown eyes are normally warm and inviting but that I have the ability to make them cold and unwanting. I like that. I take it as a compliment, even if it's not.

I like it when people talk about my eyes. They're about the only thing I like about myself no matter what. When people notice them it makes me feel good.

Gosh. I should eat, but there's not really anything to eat. I suppose I can wait longer. I like the feeling. Makes me feel cool.


God. I am one big bag of crazy, aren't I? Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have no opinion and to rely on TV and "friends" for your style. To have othe rpeople decide what you like. I don't think I could ever be like that. It would be so strange. Too stiffling I suppose. I don't know how to describe it. I want to know what it's like to live in that kind of mindset, though.

If I could have anything, I would want a detachable penis. One that I could put on for all the fun things, but take off when I feel like being a woman with a vagina. then I could do things like swing my penis and hit it against my pants or have sex with a woman in the traditional sense. I want to know what it's all like. I want to know if I can pee without hands and make it go everywhere.
I suppose I'm just weird.

I don't really know what else to write, but I don't have anythign else to do. I guess it's back to rambling for me, hey? God that sucks I might just go and write again later if I feel like it.



Much love,
Louie