Fuck

This is getting really hard for me. Like, really hard. I am so stressed and angry and sad and FAT.

I went around and looked at pro-anorexia sites today, as I sometimes do in the hopes that they'll help me stop being a fatty. It didn't work. All it's done is make me hungry. I want to be as thin as some of the girls I see there, but I just can't stop myself from eating again. Stupid fucking medication.

Oh yeah, that's another thing. I haven't taken my meds in ages just in case they help me get sad enough that I stop eating again. I know I shouldn't, but I have to be skinny. I can't keep looking like this. I just can't.


The thing is, I want help. I just can't help myself.

You know and I know better

I don't know why I came here today.
I felt like I needed to write.
I am not really feeling great today. I need something to keep me distracted and no such thing is coming.

I miss Dave.
Are you purposely distancing yourself from me? Or is it just coincidence? Is it my fault?

I want to do something. I need something. I don't know. I need knew things. I need something. Anything.

I am disgusted by myself. I hate the way I look, the way I feel. Like, literally how I feel. I feel like a bag full of cake dough.


Fuck this shit right off.






























i need to remember my medication.

I need

I need to stop doing what I am doing. This is stupid and I hate it. Fuck I am so shit today.
Fat piece of shit.
No on gives a shit about you or what you have to say. Just shut up.


I hate myself, so much.


Stop crying you piece of shit. You're not fucking worth the tears. No one cares. Get it through your tiny head. No one gives a shit.

Go on, keep taking those pills. I bet they help a lot, don't they. You can't even look after yourself you pathetic shit.

Just fuck off. Fuck off right now.

I hate you.

Seriously. I hope you fuck off to some crack house where you belong.

Back the fuck off my man, k? He's not yours. He is mine. You're too young and too slutty. Just fuck off.

Scared

I am so nervous and scared about my exam that I am shaking. A lot.
I need to calm myself down, but it's hard. I need my friends, but they're not here. I need you and you just don't care anymore.

I am so lost right now. I must look crazy to everyone around me. A girl shaking this bad and looking like she's about to cry. I seriously can't deal with this. I can't. Fuck fuck fuck fuck!!

Stress

The stress of exams is killing me right now.
I just can't stop being so stressed.
I mean, i am LITERALLY throwing up.
I haven't done that since grade six.
I woke up in the middle of the night THROWING UP!
That's just wrong.
That shouldn't happen to people.


I don't know why my body does this too me. I have not felt stressed mentally at all. Why does this happen? I don't know how to stop it. My arms and chest are killing me. I am getting stress rash. This is so stupid!

Why does my future have to rest on the next few exams? Things shouldn't be this way.

Change

I fucking hate change.
I hate it when everything changes at once.
I hate it when I get paranoid about the change.
I hate it when I feel like I am losing everything I know, because of change.
I hate this.
I hate it.
I hate being so fucking crazy that I can't just accept things are different now, and always will be.
I hate that I am so scared of losing him.
I hate that my fear makes me paranoid that I am being too clingy and therefore pushing him away.
I hate that he ran away.
I hate change.
I really really hate change.

So

I thought, as it is the first day of school, I should update.
A way of making sure I remember the first day of ym last term of school ever.


I am so freaking tired. That's really all there is. It's so great to see everyone again, but I am just so tired! I was super hyper before, but I don't know if I am now. Kerry is doing a practice exam for maths next to me, so I am sitting here bumming around.

All I can think about is going to bed. BLAH!!


This is not my most profound blog post.

I just don't know what to do.

Holidays

Holidays are depressing.
Sometimes I have some fun days,
but mostly I try and avoid everyone and everything.

I mostly blame the fact that I have no money.
But really it's just me taking some time to be a recluse.
I always regret this afterwards.
I LIKE to be with people.

But for some reason I always convince myself that I want to be alone.


I haven't taken my meds pretty much all holidays. This has not lead to anything good. In fact, it's been rather bad. I just cry all the time. It's rather silly.


I want to drink. Hard.

Shoplifting

Is this generations smoking or something.
Like seriously, everyone is doing it.
I'm surprised that the stores don't have policemen standing in front of the doors searching everyone that walks through.

Just saying, you know?
It's pretty ridiculous out there.

Holidays

So today the holidays are officially over.
I am really glad.
During the holidays I like to just...
Stop existing.
It lets me get myself in order again.
And just when I think I miht fall apart,
School comes and saves me.

I wish you would stop haunting me.
I can't stand to see your face anymore.

I am so fucking happy.
Today is the best day.

Reluctant

I have been reluctant to post on this blog.
Which is silly, because I have no one to answer to.
I was reluctant because I didn't want some people to read this.
I considered going private.
But I, obviously, have decided against that.
And not only for my Uzbekistani reader.
Because, really, I haven't done anything wrong.
And even if I had, why would I care?
Because, if I were in the wrong, i would still believe I am right.
Just like you do.
So anyway,
I don't think there is a lot to update on.
And I am sorry, David, for accidentally blowing you off.
There's nothing I can really say that makes it okay.
So I am sorry.

Fishermen are wearing giant strap ons.
It's funny.
It's a "Big Black"
Which is also funny.
it's nto a real strap on.
Well, it is.
But it's a fishing rod strap on.

I want a freaking Monster Floor.
Just because it's called a Monster Floor.

I don't know what else to type.
So I think I shall depart.
Toodles.

I don't know

I don't know why I have come here again.
Do I feel like I need to whine?
To complain about my life and all things in it?
Is it because I am, once again,
In my house?
With my family.
I am forever growing a hatred towards
My family.
I am forever growing a hatred towards
Myself.
I am forever growing a hatred towards
Everything.
Nothing.
I am becoming more and more melancholy.
I do not wish to feel.
Not like this.
Not any more.
I do not like so many things
In this world.
But I like you.
I don't want to be here.
I don't want to do this.
Why?
Please
Don't question me.
Let me be
Alone.

Eh.

I am quite sick at the moment. Which is rather annoying as I had barely gotten over my last sickness. This is also odd, as I don't normally get very ill very often.
Or maybe I do and I don't realise.

I am home today. Which is rather boring. I have quite a bit of housework to attend to, but I really really don't want to. I am so damn lazy.

I shall do the dishes and reward myself with popcorn. I think that shall be quite good.

I have been REWARDED!!

This is just a quick blog.
Just to let my Uzbekistani lover know that I am alive.
I thought you might like to know that I am rather happy. Which is odd, but good. There is a Russian movie on television. It is rather bad. But perhaps that is due to the cultural differences and general language barrier.
I want to be a model. I truly truly do. But I know it will never happen. So I mus live longing for what can never be.

My 'enter' button is working in strange ways.

I don't want to do anything. I am far too lazy. I can't be bothered. I want to just sleep forever and ever. It takes too much effort to wake up.

Perhaps I am not as happy as I think. But I doubt that.

I am no longer able to think of something to write.

Good day!

Nobody knows but you

Hello Dave-y!

So I haven't been blogging much at all and have decided to try and up my blog usage.
I am actually incredibly happy right now. Despite anything that's happened, I am in a great place. Jay and I are living together again, and it's awesome. The best part is that we're alone together. And getting shit done is so much easier now. I don't know why though. Probably just not as many things to distract me.

Having said that, I am awfully distracted now.
I am rocking out today. I truly am.


Life is so fucking good.

So fucking good right now.

Hilarity.

You truly do make me laugh.
More than ever before.


So I am just sitting here writing because I can. Jay and Jason are watching TV. Cycling. So not worth my time.

People these days are making me laugh. They truly are. It's funny how people expect ignorance. The way the imagine that no one realises. That's hilarity.

She built up a world of magic.
Because her real life is tragic.

The thing about everyone these days is that all of us are too damn self involved. We all are very quick to point the finger, but somehow manage to ignore all our own faults.
Actually, some people do this more than others.
They make me laugh too.
The way they all want to get away from drama, and yet half of them create they're own. It's like they're a big ball of walking drama.
And I think I fit into that category.

Why?

Why do you keep deleting your blogs? I want to see them.


So I am incredibly sick right now. I seriously think I am going to explode and pour my sickness all over the wall in a bloody, gory mess, spelling out the words "Louie was here. She was too ill to stop herself from exploding."

I am supposed to be doing fashion, but too much drawing makes Louie go crazy!!

I want to go home. I really really do.

Too fucking sick

Of all this shit.

fuckofffuckofffuckofffuckofffuckofffuckofffuckofffuckoff

I am so fucking sick of everything being my fault. I am sick of you and all your shit. fuck this. fuck you. fuck everything.

Pussy shit.

As I am complete pussy shit I have come here once again to vent my feelings instead of just going up to the fucking people like a a strong person would actually do and talking this shit out. And fuck it, you're the only one who reads my blog anyway and I actually want you to know that this is how I feel.


I feel like you've ditched me. Yes, I know that I was one of the first friends you kinda had at this school, and as you get more comfortable it is inevitable that you will find other people to hang out with and other friends that understand you more, but I still feel like I never ever get to talk to you anymore, and when I do it's entirely superficial. We were such good friends and now I don't know if I get that feeling from you anymore. I was annoyed when you didn't tell me straight away, but you told other people first. About the guy who didn't want a relationship. I realise that you wanted to say it in private, but all you have to do is tell me you want to chat. The only way I get to communicate with you is through our blogs, and you've stopped writing, so it's just a one sided conversation. It shits me up the wall when you don't say hi or goodbye. It seems that the only time you really talk to me is when you want to talk about someone else. I'm no god at saying this, so now it's all built up inside me. I might be making it worse than it is, but it;s how I feel right now. I won't be able to talk about this with you in real life, and that's why I am here, writing directly to you, but on my blog, so that it's less personal and ever so slightly more obscure.
I am pissed that you didn't say good bye today. I am super pissed that I seem to be replaced. I hate that. Don't you realise that I am irreplaceable? I don't hate you, don't get me wrong. I'm not even mad at you, I am just annoyed that this is going on and I can't stop it. I want you back, really. I want you to be mine again. Which is horribly possessive and wrong. Demeaning, even. And I am sorry that I think like that, but it's how I am. I don't want an all or nothing, I just want the majority.
I feel like you don't care as much anymore. I feel like you don't want me around. I feel like I have been replaced and that I will never be able to get back to where I was with you. I don't know when this happened or whose fault it is, but I wish it hadn't. And I realise that I have probably made ti worse by not just talking to you about it.
I'm sick of this happening to me, because I feel like I am just everyone's replacement friend when their best friend isn't around. It's not just you that has done this before.
So that's how I feel, more or less.




But I'm more than just a little curious how your planning to go about making you amends to the dead.

Sight

So I think I put the wrong contact lenses in today, because I can't see shit. It makes my eyes hurt.

Today is GaGa day. This should be amazing.

Dexamphetamines.

So tonight I was hanging at Jason's house burning some stuff they had to get rid of. I had been thinking about doing dexamphetamines for a little while, and tonight was the night that I did!
Dexies are prescription meds for ADHD. If abused, they have similar effects as that of speed. So now it is almost 4 in the morning and I am not even a little bit sleepy.
And, to be honest, I love it. I truly do.
But I don't want to get addicted to this shit or anything. I mean, alcohol is one thing, but it's not illegal and it won't wreck my teeth. Besides, you sleep when you drink.
Speaking of which, i saw Mandy today!! It was awesome. I missed that girl so much, I forgot how much I really like her. She's such an honest and down to Earth girl. Even though she's often quite shy, i think she's pretty comfortable around me. I hope she is anyway, I have been doing a lot of talking so she might just have wanted me to shut up. But she was drunk and talkative to, so who knows. Also found out some stuff about each other, which is good I think. I didn't realise, but I forgot to tell her about my depression and shit. I should probably let her know all the shit I've done so it doesn't, like, get in the way of shit. You know? I don't want her to have some kind of amazing person when I'm not that amazing. Like, I'm pretty fucking good, but not that good. Haha!
But serious, Mandy rocks socks. And she lives in Lanny-field! I have always really liked Mandy, and she's liked me, but we're both awkward about going to people's houses AND having people over, so it makes it kinda hard to hang out a lot.

I keep getting distracted. Bye.

Just fucking stop it.

Seriously, Louie. What is your fucking problem? Not yours. Just leave it be. Fuck. No one fucking cares that much anyway. It was bound to happen. It always does. Who fucking cares? Fuck this shit with a stick.
I can't believe I let myself do this again.
FUCK

Lalalalala

So I haven't updated in quite some time. I'm not really sure that there's much to update on, really.
My cousin Kelly is here from Sydney. Nothing bad about that. Don't know how to entertain her though. Lancefield is a pretty shit boring town.

I haven't taken my meds in a few days. So I am rather not great at the moment. But I took two today so I should be better sooner. Hopefully.



Well I have succesfully wasted all my time. It's been a good two hours since I wrote on this damn page. I am really bored and I just want to curl up and hide.

Overwhelming.

Pretty much sums up my life at the moment. Over-fucking-whelming. Why is it that the first half of the year is so fucking packed full of shit? You'd think the second half would be worse for it, but apparently not.
I seriously feel like I am going to explode. There's too much stress. Too much everything. I just can't deal with this right now. I am being eaten by it. I can't seem to get out of this rut. I know I do it a lot and that this will all pass, but it is really getting to me right not. I just need somewhere to run away to for a while. Somewhere with no stress at all.

Content?

So I am sitting here not doing much at all.
And I am forced to wonder, is this contentedness?
Is this what it is like to be nothing overwhelming.
To have just a regular emotion with regular effects?
But I do not know.


Today I get my beanie. This is exciting because I really want it. Jay was very very kind and gave me the money for it. I am really glad I have him. I just wish i had money to give to him, too. Instead, i just do regular things for him. I figure it kinda helps even things out a little bit. I know that sounds weird, but I don't ever want to feel like I am just bumming around. I don't want him to think I am too dependent, either. Or that he is giving so much for nothing.

I must spend all night making Elen's present. It will be difficult, but I really want it to work out. I am sure she'll like it. At the very least she will pretend. I want to make it something she will remember and love. I mean, it's her eighteenth. She deserves the best!

I don't really know what to write. There's only about half an hour left of school, so I guess even if I did know what to write I wouldn't get much time to do it.

That is all.

Poison

I am going to suck out the poisin from my life.
I will not let them get to me anymore.
It's over. I am done.
I will not let individuals hold power over me.
I will be my own and act as I wish.
I will live.
And happiness shall be mine.

Oh the Pain

Hello there!
It has been quite some time since I last wrote to you. Indeed, it is not due to procrastination this time, I have been off in the land of humidity and boredom. But, as I have now returned, you may read all of my new blogs soundly with the knowledge that my plain existence will once again intrude on yours.

I am a tad unwell. Not in the body, but in my mind. I am very emotional. I am crying an awful lot and that may be due to a very sporadic intake of medication, however, it is still rather annoying. I do hope that this problem is fixed soon, as I believe it is getting on Jay's nerves. He has adopted a new way to deal with my frequent breakdowns, and that is basically telling me to man the fuck up. Which is fine, it's pretty much what I have to do, but I guess sometimes I just want him to not get grumpy at me. I think that's mostly because it just makes me ore upset and leaves me feeling shitty. And I hate to fight. I dunno. I am far too odd to understand this.

I am glad that Jay is back, though. I am rather pissed at my parents or kicking him out. It's not like he actually did anything. I am also pissed that they didn't just tell him, they went through me. I don't get that. I don't understand why mum seems so intent on breaking us up. I mean, a couple jokes here and there are fine but when you start saying things like "It doesn't matter. You guys won't last anyway" it kinda makes you get a bit angry. Of course, when I confronted her about she denied ever having said or done anything. I really get very annoyed at her sometimes.

Class finishes soon, so I should be off.

Toodle-oo my darlings,
Louie.

I LEAVE TODAY!!

So yeah. I am pretty excited about it all.

Unfortuantely today has been a day of anger. People are just bullshit.

First in drama people were saying that depression is a mind of matter situation, that anti-depressants are mostly just placebos, "water and sugar pills".
Now, if you've been reading for a while you'd know that this SHITS ME UP THE FUCKING WALL!!
The ignorance and intolerance of people is what makes it hard for people like me to admit that we have a problem. It's those people that stopped me seeing anyone about help. Those people are the reason I tried to "get over" my depression for ten years before I actually got help.
I hate it so much. So so damn much.

Then some cow who was listening to her iPod all lesson and writing a letter to some random decided that, in the last three minutes of class, after she'd packed up and was standing at the door to yell at ME for talking to MY friends about the play WE ARE ANALYSING! She says "Billy is trying to talk" in just about the bitchiest manner ever. And it's not the first time she has done this. She then proceeds to ignore what Billy says and talk to her friend.

Recess was fine, just a fight between two of my friends kinda left me stuck in the middle. I don't mind, but I was already shitty, so that's why I was like that.

Next lesson I realise that I've left ALL MY WORK at home. Yeah, great, since it's due today. Fucking awesome.

Lunch was fine, then I had a SAC, which is easy. During my free (now) some DOUCHER decides he wants to use the computer I am using. You know why? Because it's next to his friend. Never mind that there are rows of computers next to me. Fucking pokemon doucher.


So yes. Now it is nearing the end of school, and I will get to go to the airport to see my boy. I can't wait. I am so damn excited!! I really am. I think it's the only reason I haven't got UBER shitty today.



So I will probably not be blogging for the next two weeks.
I love you!!



Louie.

Bade

I don't ever want to let him go.
I want him to be with me forever.
Don't ever ever ever leave me.
Hold my hand and lead me through.

I don't want anyone to take him away. I won't let anyone take him away. I love him. He loves me.

I LEAVE TOMORROW!

Okay. So I realise this blog will be mostly a lot of teen girl excitement, but I don't give a shit! I LEAVE TOMORROW AND I GET LAID!! Although the getting laid part is just a bonus.I just can't wait to see my Jay!!
I still have to clean my room though. I packed, but that has left my room a mess. Many clothes are lying scattered across my bed and floor. Totally worth every second of it though. I really can't wait! I am so excited!!

So anyway. Today I went and saw a play, Fat Boy. It was put on by the Red Stitch Theatre Company. It was pretty awesome. The play was absurd theatre so it got a bit out there.
The message was all about consumerism and such. Pretty awesome.
I won't go into too much detail in case someone wants to see it, but I recommend you find a way to see it! Very hard hitting and potent. So worth everything.


So I don't really know what to say. I am kinda pissy with some people (persons?) at the moment and I don't really know what to do. I want to go and confront them and be like, "Look, this is what you're doing. Grow up" but I also kinda don't want to offend them and shit because we're mates and shit.
WHAT DO I DO

Home

So I am home sick today. Expect a fair load of blogging.

There is this feeling inside me. Last night I thought it was anger, but it doesn't seem to be that way. It's this uncontrollable emotion. Something so large that it is pushing me apart. Trying to get enough space. It's filled me up and I have no way of letting it out.
I think I am enjoying it. It's empowering. I have energy inside me that could tear apart this world. I do feel as though I need to let it out though. If I keep it in me too long I may just let it destroy me. I need to let this out in to the world. I need to do something.

Dear world,
Be prepared.


I do very much dislike being home from school. I really want to be out in the world. I want to get out of this house. I am going insane. What is happening? This energy, it's burning inside me. What would you do?

There is so much I want to get out. I want to write everything that has ever happened. Not to me. To the world. I want it to be known. I want everyone to understand that what they see isn't the only reality. I want everyone to know that fairytales are true. That there are fairies in this world. That people and animals can be one and the same. That there is such a thing as a life energy and that it is inside all of us. I want everyone to realise the beauty of this other reality. The darkness of both. The magic of our life. The magic of all life. The energy that radiates from everything we see. From everything we don't see. I want people to feel like I do. To feel this power.

But no one listens. No one hears the screams. No one sees them crying. Begging to be recognised. Dying with out a typical existence. I will fix this. I truly will. I will make everyone see what I see.I will be more than this.
I will join the lost. And together we shall become more than human.

David.

Yes. This IS a blog named after you, my little gay friend.
I just wanted to let you know that I really appreciate your friendship. Sorry I can't say it any better way than this.But the truth is, I look up to you too. You're just about one of the best people around. You're smart, quirky, funny, original. I just think you're amazing.
And even though this sounds like a love letter, I just wanted to let you know that, not matter what, you're awesome. And you truly are an amazing friend.

Scared

I am to scared to be myself.
To let out emotion.
To be human again.

I want to write to you and make it sound meaningful.
But the truth is, I just can't. I'm not a philosophical, metaphorical kind of person.
I am far too blunt for that kind of thing.
My heart is exploding. I just want to get away.


Not long now and I will fly away from this place.

Sigh

Today was not a bad day.
However (oh yes, there's always a however!) I feel like utter shite right now.

To be honest, I am kinda pissed at Jess. I mean, it'll sound stupid as all hell, but she's started meeting up at the pagolla at the end of school. And you know, that's fine, it's just that she never bothered to tell me. So for the past week or two weeks or whatever I have been waiting for her at the gazebo, looking like a fuckwit as I stand there alone. To anyone else this wouldn't be so bad, but due to my anxiety I have a hard time being alone in public. I mean, you think she'd at least tell me the first time she did it or something. Or reply when I ask her where we're meeting. Or whatever. It's stupid.

Just so damn angry right now. I don't think it's entirely because of Jess. I'm just grumpy. So fucking grumpy.

Why on EARTH are people just being so infuriating? WHY?! I just can't understand why you people are doing this to me.

Better.

FUCK ME!!

My arm is killing me out of nowhere. And it's not stress. WTFMATE?!

Anyway, sorry for stressing so bad.

I have now sufficiently repressed those emotions and can continue with life.

So yeah. I am safe.

Shit.

Why isn't anything getting better? I had my break downs. It should be fine. I should be fine! I can't stand being like this. I don't understand why I am. I jst can't relax. I can't be calm. I can't do anything because I am so damn crazy all the time.I just don't want to do this. I really don't.

If I could, I would run away. Then I wouldn't have to deal with any of this. I could be normal. Run to where no one knows who I am. Run as far as possible.
I hate that I can't.
Jay won't let me.

I am so fucking fucked. Why do I even bother anymore? Seriously. Fuck it. It's not fcking worth it. I'm done. Streak over. That's it. Back to what I used to be. What I used to do. FUCK IT!

I promised myself I would not cry.
And yet, when I saw you again
I couldn't help it.
With tears falling down my face,
I run towards you.
My arms open, ready to embrace.
But when I reach you,
You have gone.
I clasp at the air
Where you should be.
I promised myself I wouldn't cry.

I am dying.

Just so you know.

Hyperactive Tattoo

So today I went to Jason's house. Just to chill so I could calm down a bit.You know, just spend the day not thinking. Well, I ended up giving him a tattoo. Yes, a real one. He bought a tattoo kit and I was pissing around with it and I asked if I could give him a tat and he said yes. It was awesome. He taught me how to do a stencil and everything. I filmed it. When I put it on youtube I'll stick a link here so that anyone that is interested can see it.
Anyway, I wanted to give him a Chinese character that said "dick", but he said he'd rather get an inverted pentagram. It was pretty cool. I had so much fun doing it. I really want to do more. Like, lots more. Caitlin said "maybe you've found your calling" and even though she was joking, I really really loved doing it. LOVED doing it!


I also had two cans of mother today. I know, HARDCORE! But I am easily effected by energy drinks and mother is the worst for it.



I'd let you talk to them anyway.

Am not!

I didn't. I just set them straight.


What do you think of Bade? Did you know that you've spoken to him. You have.

Fuck it. Fuck me. Fuck you.

I am so fucking stressed out it's not even funny.
Like, seriously. I had a break down in the middle of Literature today. I could hardly get out of the room fast enough. I can't take all this pressure. I just can't. I don't want to do this anymore. I want out. I want to get out of this freaking place. I just can't do it. I need an out. I need a way to just fuck this all off. I need to run away. I'll do this later. I just can't right now. I really can't. I am so fucked. I am screwed. Fuck fuck fuck.
Fuck this. I'm not coming back.

Procrastination.

I have, literally, weeks of work over due. I should be doing it all right now but I can't bring myself to do it. Why do I put myself in these situations? Fuck my stupid way of dealing.

Today there was a spider on my door. I shat my pants. Not literally, but I squealed like a little girl. And now I am paranoid. THERE ARE SPIDERS EVERYWHERE!!
Normally I am okay with spiders, but this one was of the black scary variety. I don't like the black scary ones.


So I just attempted to do some work. I finished my client profile, but I am going to do my questions later. I really can't be stuffed. It's 8.30, which is as good as bedtime for me.


I don't actually know what to write today. I have been awfully insecure. I have it in my head that Jay is fucking around on me. He probably isn't. In fact, logically, I am positive that he isn't. There is just something inside me that says he is. But that's just my paranoia.


I really really want to write something meaningful, or at least interesting. Why must I fail?

Second for the day

I don't actually know what to write.
My hyper has died down, as now I am very tired and kinda sad.
But I'm not depressed. Just regular person sad.

Oh fuck yes!
For the first central heating of the year.
I am so cold.

I want you to be here so I can get cuddles.
Actually, I want you here too. For company.
And maybe you, for funsies.



Nothing much happened today. I have just been sick. But you already knew that. I really really miss Jay. Weather like this makes me miss him more, because this is couples weather. That kind of weather where all of a sudden couples are everywhere. Hugging, kissing, sharing jumpers and warm drinks. I hate couples weather. Especially when my man is so far away.
But it's not long now and I get to see him. Two weeks and one day, actually.


I reckon I should vlog my head sickness.
I might actually be funny then.

Head sick

I am rather head sick.
Head sick is bad because I go a little bit crazy.
But not the regular kind of crazy.
The crazy that people call "Loopy".
Doesn't that happen to you?
No? No. Okay then.

I was thinking that having a vlog would be pretty awesome.
But then I realised that I am not funny. That kind of makes it hard to vlog.
At least make an interesting vlog.

so yes. When I get head sick I tend to ramble.
And be hyper.
I do that a lot anyway. But it's worse when I am sick.
Also, that is why I am hitting enter a lot.
I like to hit enter.
It's fun.
And fulfilling.


Everyone is really loud.
LOUD NOISES!!


Hmm. So how are you? I am well.

Oh yeah, and to my imaginary Uzbekistani reader, HELLO!!

I don't know how to spell this, but in phonetic English: Ya boti bas mater.


Hmm. I am awfully tired.

I think that class starts soon, so I should probably depart.
Toodle-oo!


P.S. Interesting fact: "boti" is the only word in the phrase "Ya boti pas mater" that gets the red squiggly line underneath it.
Just so you know.

I love you

"I love you".
Three little words that can be so difficult.
You see, most people have trouble saying these words. 
I, on the other hand, am an I love you whore.
I don't understand other people's relationships. I don't know why they worry. Why they're vague and reserved. The "taking it slow" thing is so foreign to me it's not even funny. I have always been full speed ahead. Blunt and straight forward. If I like you, I will tell you. A lot. Sometimes I want to know what it's like to be in that kind of situation, but then I realise that I enjoy being the way I am.
I am, however, realising that my straightforward, blunt, approach to life is rare and often confusing to other people. I think that it makes it slightly more enticing, though.


I have been suffering insomnia for quite some time now. It is unpleasant. Last night I also developed a slight depersonalisation. Now that hasn't happened in quite some time. It is almost disturbing, however I am fairly unemotional right now.


I want to write a good blog for you. I want to amaze you as you have amazed me. I want to let you into my mind and my heart. I want to open up my soul and write down everything inside, so you can peruse my inner workings. I want to be open and honest with you. I want to let you in.
I think I have.


So here I am. Loving you. Lonely.

Men

I find it odd that I am generally more at ease around men. I can feel more comfortable, open and safe as myself. I don't understand why this is so, but it is. It can cause difficulties, however, as some men interpret my ease as flirtation and my honesty as promiscuity. This is not at all who I mean to be.

I made a decision today. I decided to be better at communicating with women. I decided that I shall no longer let sleazy, 2-dimensional boys surround me.
The non-sleazy 3 dimensional boys are allowed to stay.

100

This will be my one-hundreth post. That's vaguely exciting. I feel as though I should make this blog interesting. A kind of celebration of my 100th post. However, I am far too lazy to do so. Go procrastination!

My breasts are large. My waist is small. My hips are childbearing. My hair is average length.

And that is me.


I am not quite sure what I intend to write today, but I figured it had been a while since I have updated and someone, somewhere, might be counting on my blog to give them some sort of life force.
However, that is unlikely.


And I rock.



I don't ahve much to do right now. It is a week full of SACs, but I am not one for study at the best of times. Let alone with how I am now.

I haven't been sleeping recently. I am lucky to get to sleep by one in the morning, and to sleep until my alarm goes off is incredibly rare.

I'm the joke. I'm the bastard.

You know what's odd?
How spiteful and angry I can be.
I really don't want to be. I want to be congratulatory.
Instead, I am
Well, jealous.
This is stupid. Just man up, Louie.


So I have had a revelation today. I'm not sure why I didn't think about it before. Guess it just doesn't bother me. Still, it's interesting to know, because I like to know things about my friends, mostly. Well, people in general.

I don't know what to write about today. I am alive, which is a plus. As per usual.

I wish that everyone would be so sincerely sorry for what they did to me that they'd grovel at my feet and beg forgiveness. That would be great.
Actually, I'd rather they felt all the pain they made me feel. That'd be better.

So. How are you?

Hmm. I haven't had one of these blogs for a while. I want to have something interesting to write about.


Well, that was odd. Just after I wrote that I found out that one of my bestest friends from my childhood who I totally lost contact with had a brain tumour. That is interesting. He's alive, and we're talking as we speak. That's cool. We used to take baths together. Nothing weird. We were five. But yeah, 'twas cool.



I am sad.

There's no aphrodisiac like loneliness

I need to stop attaching myself to people all willy-nilly. It's wrong. I need to learn to be my own person, without relying on friends to keep me alive. Not only is that unfair to them, it is detrimental to their being. It is detrimental to my being.
I think a large part of it is because Jay isn't here. I need constant physical proof that I am loved, and having him so far away makes that very difficult to obtain. Without his constant touch I become a very needy person. Especially at the moment, seeing as, emotionally, I am not myself. It makes it difficult for me to behave in a normal and natural way, which in turn makes it difficult for me to think rationally. In the end, I am paranoid, lonely and clingy. Which is generally not a great combination.

I am, however, being somewhat sensible. I have not cut or anything like that. I have come close, of course, but I haven't actually done it yet. So that is good. Normally by this time I'd be more cuts than skin.So I suppose that is a good thing. I have also stayed away from medication other than my anti-depressants and the pill. I have essentially banned myself from using my regular coping methods in an attempt to become a "well adjusted individual".

I ran out of credit today. That normally would not be an issue, but as previously mentioned, I am not myself. So that has also contributed to the fact that I am horribly unstable at the moment.

Sadness. Fuck it.

I am sick of this shit and everything that comes with it.
I am pissed because Reid didn't make good on his promise and that shits me because I really wanted to talk to him. And I am pissed because mum doesn't have the money to buy me a ticket to Groovin' the Moo as a birthday present, but apparently does have the money to buy two tickets to Port Fairy Folk Festival. She's been nothing but a child recently. I wish she'd grow up, so I didn't have to. I am sick of everything. I want to fuck off out of this place right now. Fucking titty shit fuck.

I don't know what's going on with me. I'm on the meds, I should be happy. Why the fuck aren't I? They worked last time!! Now all I can do is cry a lot and keep up a façade in front of people. I am sick of being so fucked up. I'm becoming a depressing person to be around. I don't want to be this person again. I don't want to do this.

I should stop being such a fucking pussy. I am sick of being me. Just fuck it all.

Break my heart

Valentine's day is a day of happiness. Supposedly. For the vast majority it seems to be a day of sadness, regret and rejection. I want to be able to make everyone happy.
However, I have realised that, despite my very happy situation, my heart is still breaking. Is it possible to fix other people's broken hearts if you're finding it hard to hold together the shards of your own? It's odd that my heart should be breaking right now, as I really have no reason for it to. I suppose it's just the way I am. Whiney and controlling.

On a nicer note, I went to St Kilda Fest yesterday. It was pure awesome in festival form.I had lots of fun.
I started off by going to Caitlin's and catching the train with her. We were worried we'd be the only ones there, as we couldn't get into the other carriages to see everyone else. But when we got into Southern Cross it was fine. We managed to find Kiana with a simple phone call. Then we were waiting at the station for Izzy and her band of friends. While waiting we also got to find Kiana's friend Adam. He's nice, but kinda closed off. Anyway, when Izzy got there we got introduced to her friends, but I can only remember Alice and Enya names.
So then we all caught the tram to St Kilda. It was fucking packed, but we could only expect that. We got off the tram and walked down to the Max Beach Stage. On the way there we saw this cool as salsa dance tent thing set up and they were teaching people to salsa right there on the street!! We also saw a bunch of other street performers setting up.
So we walk to the Max stage and Washington was playing. Caitlin was very excited by this as Clamentine is her myspace song. I didn't realise I knew so many songs by them, until I started listening and realised I know all the lyrics.
So we all got up and had a bit of a dance, which was very fun! After Washington's set we just kinda hung around the Max stage, waiting for the next person to come on. That's when I met Random Ukulele Guy. I saw him walking around with his ukulele so I asked if I could play a little, which was fun. He hung around for a while, but when we realised we didn't like Archie Roach (the next guy on stage) we went our separate ways. Which was fine, I had fun.
So yes, we decided we didn't like Archie Roach and went for a walk around to see the other stages. However, Kiana decided it would be a nice time for a swim. So despite the fact we had no bathers, Kiana and I went into the sea. She was wearing a dress, so it wasn't too bad for her, but I was wearing pants. That subsequently got salt all over them. Kiana's dress was white, however, which meant it went see-through.
After that we saw the Foxtel butterfly. Which was just a lady on stilts in a butterfly costume, but it was awesome!!
Then we walked all the way back to the Max stage, but Caitlin realised she's lost her mum's cardigan. So Caitlin and I went back to look for it but we couldn't find it anywhere. We've assumed someone taxed it.
So then we were hanging at the Max stage for a while. Nothing eventful happened around this time, expect that I suspect it is when I got sunburnt.
A few hours later a flying hat comes off a rooftop, so I taxed it. It's a coke hat and I love it. Then we went on a walk, and I found a scarf which is also awesome. Then Caitlin and I had to go and catch out train, but on the way I found a cardigan!! So yeah, that was awesome!
So on the way home it was fairly uneventful as well. But when we got to Gizzy station I saw Dom!! I haven't seen him since year eight!! It was kinda weird, but also really good. And then I found a superman hat, and taxed that. And a really pretty purple bracelet. That I taxed as well. Haha!
So then we went to Caitlin's and did the usual thing, went to bed, got up, went to school. Nothing amazing.
But I had such an amazing day!! I reckon that's one of my top valentine's of ALL TIME! I really had such a good day. I did get VERY sunburnt though. But I'll get over that. I am so glad I took so many photos of the day. I hope I never forget it.

Anxiety

So I am incredibly anxious lately. I don't know exactly all the reasons for this increase, but I know a few reasons.

Finally figured out when Jay's getting home. In two months. It would be unbearable if it weren't for the fact that for two of those weeks I am able to see him. So I guess it's only six weeks before I get to see him. I really hate having him so far away. I feel horrible without him around. He's the rock that holds me to the earth. I love the fact that he's so protective of me, because I feel so fragile that I need all the protection I can get.

I feel odd tonight. Normally I would rejoice at having the house to myself, but something feels wrong. So very wrong. I'm not sure if it's me or if it's someone else or if it's just anxiety. I know I hate it though.

I realised today that I haven't written any interesting or substantial blogs in a very long time. I really don't like the fact that I have let this slip away from me. It has a lot to do with knowing that no one is actually interested in what I've written. I want people to read this, I really do. Just friends, you know. People who care about how I feel and what I have to say. Because if all my friends read this then I wouldn't have to try and explain my emotions. I would, however, lose some of the freedom I have on here. A lot of the stuff I write about is the kind of stuff I don't want a lot of people to see. I'm generally a fairly open person, but I don't want everyone to sit there and judge. There are a lot of things where I try to be vague with details in real life, that I am incredibly blunt with on here. I don't know if it's for my sake, or if it's for the sake of others, but most people don't want details on stuff like that. Especially if they have they're own problems.

That horrible gaping whole in my chest has returned. That feeling that my heart is bleeding into my lungs. I feel like I have to get out the needle and thread to sew myself back together, before I spill out all over the place and make a mess.

I hope
You die.
I truly truly do.
If I had my way you'd be long gone.
Unfortunately, the world isn't kind.
It's cruel and sadistic.
You've been sent to torment me and there's nothing I can do about it.
So just go away.
Please.

Lonely

It's funny how you can feel so lonely if just one person you want isn't around. No matter how many people are around you, if the one you want isn't there you're just miserable. I really hate that.
My doctor said I shouldn't put so much of my emotion into other people's hands. That I am supposed to be in control of my own feelings, no matter who is around.

Blocked.

Today is my first day of year twelve.
I was absolutely packing myself before, but I am not really so worried now that I'm getting into the swing of things. I'm still uncomfortable about leaving though.

Think of school as a womb. Warm, safe, comforting, you'd never want to leave! But eventually they're just gonna push you out anyway, wether you like it or not.
I am definately one of the babies that hangs in there for dear life.


On a different note, the school has obviously uped it's internet security. Not only are all the sites I love blocked, all the proxys to get to the sites I love are blocked. I mean, unless I want to download a proxy (which I can't anyway) I am screwed. What does one do in their frees if not facebook and FML?

The answer, apparently, is Bash.org.




So yes, I don't really know what to write. Again.
I kinda just came here because it's one of two sites I want to look at that isn't blocked.

Shake it up.

"If what they say is 'nothing is forever' then what makes love the exception?"

Sometimes in life things that seem happy are actually just about the saddest things in the world. Sometimes we can believe we are truly happy with where we are, who we are and what we are, only to wake up one morning and realise that you're not happy at all. That it was an illusion created by light-hearted music and fast-tempo beats.

Not everyone realises that this can happen to anyone. Not everyone realises that it could happen to them.

"We get together but seperate's always better when there's feelings involved."

Of course, in the same way. You can be made to feel sad when truly there is nothing wrong. Life is cruel like that. 

Like a magician's act. When you think he's making people levitate, or sawing them in half, but it's all just smoke and mirrors.

Life just kinda throws a bunch of magic tricks into everyday life, just to confuse you. Just in case you get too secure in knowing what's what, life has to keep you on your toes. 

I don't know. It's often hard to get my meaning across.

I guess what I am trying to say is that you can never let yourself feel too safe, because the second you do, you'll realise that you're as unsafe as a baby gazelle with an injured leg trying to run away from a pack of hungry lions.

Or something like that.

Back to the beginning.

I always end up back in the same spot on this damn thing. At someone else's house, leeching internet and feeling lonely. GO ME!!


Anyway, I have a theory.
But you're gonna think I'm weird.

Vampires are possible.
And no, this is not all about the freaking Twilight series!!

The thing is, I have desires. I honestly kinda crave blood. But not in a freaky "HEY I'M A VAMPIRE" way. Just in a "Fuck I'm weird" way.
I also get the urge to bite people. Not that I would, but I do.
I have a kinda fetish I guess for necks. Biting, kissing, touching. I want it all. I love it.


Anyway, I am by no means saying I am a vampire or that I believe in the myths and legends of vampires, bu I do believe that there is a part of many human beings that crave for the idea and power behind the vapire myths. I know I do.




And I know that in this entry I sound like a lunatic. I don't believe I am, nor do I believe that those people out there who claim to be vampires and only live in their mother's houses are exactly sane. I'm just saying, the urges for blood are probably written into our genetic make-up. Like the urge to eat meat.

A late welcoming of a year.

Yes, an awfully late welcome, but better late than never; correct?
So in spirit of the New Year, I wish every single one of you the best of luck with yet another dreary and predictable year of drama and exaggerations, fights and reconciliations, departures and arrivals and stress like you'll never believe.

As for most of us it will be the beginning of a year which we are told will make or break our entire future. A year that is pumped so full of stress, responsibilities and complications that by the end of it the only way we can cope is by partaking in copious ammounts of binge drinking and various acts of vandalism. Yes, my good friends! It is the final year of VCE. The reason we spend thirteen years of our lives in school. The year in which we are forced to plan the rest of our lives. The year when expectations are high and performance low.

Welcome to 2010.



For some, the year has begun wonderfully. And congratulations to those of you who are optimistic. I am proud and envious, I truly am. For I never expect anything special to happen with the turn of the year. To me, it is merely another day in the long and monotonous life I lead.


Naturally, I should not dampen your new year hopes with my cynical and pessimistic view of the world. I am sure that your entire life will change it's course purely because of our Western way of measuring time. I mean, why wouldn't the world re-align for the benefit of a couple of countries and cultures that have decided the year is over and life will now start new? It makes perfect sense to me.

All that said, I am one to partake in the resolutions that seem to be so important to people. However, I do lack the trust in myself and the powers of the magical New Year to expect anything I wish to happen, to actually happen. For me, I always pick the same things. Eat properly (always fail), Be nicer (fail also), Stop manipulating people into believing that they have a chance purely for my own satisfaction and sick sadistic joy (fail, of course). So looking at my track record, why do I bother? Because like all of you, I am desperately clinging to the idea that one day can change my habits, self motivation and general lack of interest in anything other than myself.


So welcome to you, two-thousand-and-ten. Welcome to life. Welcome to the world. Welcome to crushing disappointment and general mediocrity.